Inspired by "Queer Eye for the Straight Guy", I bought my first face product to exfoliate my skin. An exfolitaor, I learned, and this may also come as a surprise to some of you, is a giant jar of salt. Scratch that. Lavender-scented salt. While it made for one of the tastier products applied to my skin (the others being "Mountain-Scented Irish Spring" and "Avalanche-Scented Afta After Shave"), I did feel silly rubbing greasy salt on my face.
The directions didn't help. "Gently exfoliate dry, dull skin from the surface revealing the radiant, healthy skin beneath." That's not a direction. That's marketing copy. It's like if this were on the back of a DiGornio's pizza: "Step 2: Mouthwatering pizza will leave you warm and satisfied." Product directions are usually insipid ("Put pizza in oven? Now I get it.") but when it comes to borderline alien lifeforms like giant jars of sea salt, I want to know where to stick it, where not to stick it, and how long to let it stick for. Because my skin is definitely not radiant, and considering the salt pellets stuck to my pimples, forming larger, lavender-scented pimples, calling my skin healthy is also a stretch.
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