My stand-up show last night...

* It didn’t go so well.
* I ended my set by saying, “Please don’t shoot me.”
* The show was running late. I promised the MC I would wrap it up in 5 minutes. He thanked me and said he would flash a light to let me know when my time was up.
* I went 8 and ½ minutes. I didn’t see the MC madly waving the light until I cried, “Somebody shine the light, please!” Which is somewhat ironic because, as you can tell, I really wanted to get off the stage.
* If you didn’t infer this yet, a lot of my material bombed. Also, there were many long pauses where I forgot what I was going to say. I blamed it on the stuttering.
* I did better than two of the comedians that night.
* There were 17 comedians.
* The two I did better than were bigots.

On the plus side, I learned many valuable lessons:

1. I’m not one of those comedians who can “wing” it. I can’t even “leg” it. I need to memorize my act like a monkey memorizes the drawer that the researcher hides the bananas in at night.

2. Audiences don’t like George Washington penis jokes.

3. I am what I despise. I would rant internally whenever I saw an amateur comic bash himself on stage or become defensive when the audience doesn’t respond to his material. Yet there’s something about being on stage that breaks down my defenses and allows this vulnerable, self-doubting part of myself to come out, cringing, as he expects to be stabbed. If this part of myself could tell good jokes it wouldn’t be an issue, but unfortunately his timing is a little off.

Almost finally, thanks to Sterling Krauss, a friend and very funny comedian, for giving me a little pep talk and some pointers after the show.

Finally, after listening to the whole tape, here’s a clip of one of the good parts (must…resist desire…to put good in quotes...damn it...Playdoh irony too powerful..."good" "good" "good" "good"...):

(I was holding a dollar bill)
A few words of wisdom from George Washington

Ahh. Now my shame is public. I feel so much better.