Why Can't I Wake Up To Music?

I woke up to a radio ad blaring for Mattress Discounters. They are holding an end of the year clearance sale. Their current inventory has to go, go, go! You know, because of all the new mattress technology coming up in 2006.

If you’re sleeping on a mattress with springs, you’re living in the past. The 2005 past. In 2006, mattresses are going to be made out of clouds. Extra-puffy, bitches. Sandbags will be attached to your mattress so it doesn’t fly away. An optional electronic shock mechanism will be offered because most people will be too delirious with luxury to leave under their own power.

The U.S. government will no longer use electric shock, humiliation, or sleep deprivation to torture suspected terrorists. The government will just let the suspect rest for 5 minutes on a 2006 mattress. You want another nap? Tell us where Osama is. No terrorist will be able to resist.

As Mattress Discounters’ new slogan says: “All the virgins in heaven can’t match a night on one of our mattresses.”