The Nerd Herd

NASA Rover Finds Surprising Evidence for Mars' Watery Past

Chemical analysis performed by the rover's robotic arm-mounted science instruments measured a composition of about 90 percent pure silica -- a material commonly found in quartz on Earth -- for the bit of Martian dirt, said mission scientists, who first heard of the find during a teleconference.

"You could hear people gasp in astonishment," said Steve Squyres, principal investigator for NASA's twin Spirit and Opportunity rovers at Cornell University in Ithaca, New York. "This is a remarkable discovery." (space.com)


NASA PR: “Ladies and gentlemen of the press. Welcome. We gathered you here to make an exciting announcement. HQR-3527—I’m sorry, “Spirit”–has just finished its analysis of an interesting patch of soil it unearthed. The soil...is 90% pure silica!!!”

[silence]

NASA PR: “Hello? 90% silica? Is this thing on?”

AP: “What’s the big deal about that?”

NASA PR: “Well, silicon dioxide, SiO2, which we commonly refer to as silica, is---“

REUTERS: [scribbling notes] “One sec. How do you spell your name?”

NASA PR: “Wojozecski. W-O-”

REUTERS: “Screw it. I’ll just attribute it to Wikipedia.”

NASA PR: [sighs] “As I was saying, silica is found in nature in several forms, particularly quartz. Quartz crystals are typically formed in hydrothermal environments— hot, watery solutions, such as one from a volcano or a hot spring. That means at some point in time, there was water on Mars.”

AP: “Why does quartz need water to form?”

NASA PR: “Good question. The answer is complicated, so bear with me for a few minutes. Let’s start with a Chemistry 101 lesson. In a hydrothermal solution, there are no free molecules of---who’s snoring?”

WOLF BLITZER: “Zzzzzz....”

NASA PR: “IN A HYDROTHERMAL SOLUTION, there are no...”

REUTERS: “Excuse me. I have a question.”

NASA PR: “What now?”

REUTERS: “Science makes my brain hurt.”

NASA PR: “That’s it. Larry, bring out the nerds.”

Larry, using an electric cattle prod, jabs a herd of pencil-thin, disheveled nerds on stage.

AP: “Nerds!” [applauds] [whispers to Reuters] “They have all the answers.”

NASA PR: “From the top. Spirit has just finished its analysis of an interesting patch of soil it unearthed. The soil...is 90% pure silica.”

Nerds gasp in absolute astonishment.

NERD HERD: “That’s amazing!” “Wow, what a stunning find!” [nerd wets himself]

AP + REUTERS: “What a story! Thanks, Wikipedia!”

NASA PR: “Wiki....? Larry, get them out of here.”

Larry forcefully prods press out of room.