Alberto Gonzales Will Get the Presidential Medal of Freedom

Okay, he's going to be forced to resign. But he has been one of the longest-running guests on the Bush Game Show. He has to get some type of parting gift. Like a lifetime supply of Hallmark greeting cards. Sometimes when your visit your friends in the hospital, the right words are hard to find.

Tony Kornheiser has a humorous recap of the event I'm alluding to if you missed it. At this point, the only reason I can fathom that Bush hasn't thrown Gonzales to the sharks, fishes, crabs, shrimp, and every other metaphorical sea creature that thinks he should be fired is that Gonzales knows where some bodies are buried. Not body. Bodies. Bush can handle one body. If you want to why Karl Rove and Dick Cheney are overweight, all I can say is salt, pepper, a pat of butter, and a strong desire to remove the evidence.

That's right. I just accused Karl Rove and Dick Cheney of eating people. I'm a Bush supporter. I'm trying to manage expectations. I think a news report discovering that Rove and Cheney regularly feast on the flesh of the living is the only thing that would surprise people at this point. Remember that guy Cheney shot last year? Anyone see him lately? I'm not even sure Judge Logic can rule human cannibalism out of order.

What if someone left society ten years ago, near the beginning of Clinton's second term when the biggest scandal was related to unauthorized poo-tang, and called an old friend today to catch up. "How's the new guy doing? "What? What? WHAT? Then you re-elected him? WHAT?"

If Alberto Gonzales doesn't get fired from his job by the end of the week, he might as well start walking around in the nude with only a sprinkled, pink-frosted donut around his penis, because then there will be nothing he can do to get fired. And that's a pretty good reason to walk around with a perpetual boner.