When in trouble, go to the well

The Republican National Committee, best known for their hit single "I Hide My Love From You in My Bunker," is sending out a mailing to Arkansas and West Virginia stating that, if elected, John Kerry will ban the Bible and allow gay marriage.

This type of political rhetoric is shameful. It infuriates me that the official face of the Republican party would stoop to sending out such a bigoted message. To even imply that the Bible would be banned and gay marriage would sweep the nation if Kerry is elected is absolutely ridiculous. At the last gay agenda meeting, we specifically agreed on rewriting the Bible to require its adherents to have gay sex every other Sunday. How can we do that if we ban the Bible?

As Fred Smoot, chairman of the 193^rd district, said in the sewer cavern where we meet: "These people will do anything the Bible tells them too. All we need is to infiltrate a few major printing houses and we got it made."

Religious conservatives bleat about the "gay agenda" and how legally-recognizing a loving relationship will cause the Earth to split open and for Satan to rise up and make us do evil things, like eat candy corn and wake up without hitting the snooze alarm.

But the truth about what we want is much more harder to argue against. Gay people, as the more enlightened of you know, merely want to eat your children and then use their bones to club your unborn babies.

But where is the photo of the zombie gay man feasting on the flesh of the living? Where is the photo of the Kerry campaign worker holding an expectant mother in a head lock while another campaign worker slams a crowbar in her stomach?

I'll tell you where: in mailings to Georgia and South Carolina, not Arkansas and West Virginia, where they belong. Ed Gillespie, chairman of the RNC, should be ashamed of himself for making these types of politics part of the official message of the Republican party.

(if the image is down, here's the gist of the mailer)

BIBLE: BANNED!
HAND HOLDING: ALLOWED!