Does God Exist? Part I.

While driving I often get lost in thought. The radio drifts in the background and my mind goes form mundane topics such as the necessity of procuring ketchup on my next trip to the grocery store to intellectual matters such as the origin of the words ketchup and catsup, and if class or the over-production of tomatoes played a role in the product coming into existence.

(After reading a few articles, the most interesting factoid I found is that ketchup was first introduced as a time-saving device. Supposedly, Heinz advertised the first commercial ketchup with the tagline: "Blessed relief for Mother and the other women in the household!")

Okay, I don't really spend most of my time thinking about weighty but irrelevant intellectual questions. I mostly think about food, sex, and the question, "Where is that smell coming from?"

But there are exceptions! Like yesterday, when I was trying to figure out whether God existed or not before the light turned green. My initial thoughts:

Evidence That God Exists

1. Whenever a sports announcer makes a sweeping statement complimenting a player or team's performance, such as "Hughes is on fire from the free throw line, six for six" or "Manning hasn't thrown an interception in the last 93 passes " the player will always, and immediately, without fail, screw up.
   
   
2. Jesus appears on grilled cheese sandwiches and dental X-Rays.
   
   
3. Some natural disasters point to the influence of a higher being. For example, take the giant meteor that contributed to the dinosaur's demise 65 million years ago. Somebody wanted a do over. How do you live on a planet for over 200 million years and not even develop Seinfeld?
   
   Jerry/Allosaurus: "You should go out with her."
   George/Stegosaurus: "I don't know. I like a girl with a few humps. Does she have a hump?"
   Jerry/Allosaurus: "Yes, she has a hump. Plenty of hump."
   George/Stegosaurus: "And what about a tail fin? I love tail fins. They're great for back rubs. They can always get that spot I can't reach with my own tail."
   Jerry/Allosaurus: "I'm sure she has a very lovely tail fin."
   
   Kramer/Tyrannosaurus rex comes running in and skids as he tries to stop.
   
   Kramer/Tyrannosaurus rex: "Jerry, you got the keys?"
   Jerry/Allosaurus: "Sure, Kramer. Catch." [tosses keys]
   Kramer/Tyrannosaurus rex: "Uh oh."

Evidence That God Does Not Exist

1. 11/1/04. The day before the election. Number of lightning bolts thrown at Bush: 0.
   
   
2. The dinosaurs. Hands-off is nice and all, but if God existed you would think the G-ster would have intervened sometime before Tyrannosaurus rex's hands shrunk to the point where he couldn't play tennis.
   
   
3. Life isn't fair. For many years I have accepted life's unfairness as an immutable fact. Railing against it made as much sense as complaining about the color of the sky or the number of toes on one's feet. (Everyone else has 11 too, right?)
   
   Then I realized how easy it would be for a truly omnipotent being to make life fair. Would it have killed God to hide a movie ticket every now and then in my thick tuffs of back hair? Or give people who top out at 4'11" magnetic hands so they can draw cans on the top shelftowards them? (Trivia: I'm not saying I know what inspired George Lucas to come up with The Force, but he is 4'9" with lifts).
   

It is this last line of thought that, on the drive home, I realized could answer the question of God's existence once and for all.

Part II coming on Tuesday.