Does God Exist? Part II

(continued from previous post)

My reasoning is that we can infer the possibility and nature of God's existence through observations of the world and how the universe works.

For instance, let's say that every time a truly destitute person plays and loses the lottery, a hot ham sandwich falls from the heavens, followed shortly thereafter by a beverage, cloth napkin, and utensils, pointy side up. This event is impossible to explain rationally, so we could only conclude that God exists and directly influences the world in small ways to mitigate people's suffering.

On the other hand, let's say every time a homeless person buys a lottery ticket, thick, dark clouds mask the sky and a big, booming laugh emanates from the walls. After many seconds, the laughter dies down and a deep voice bellows, "You think you're going to win the lottery? Oh, that's rich. Almost as rich as this hot bowl of tomato soup. Mmmm. Wish I could share some with you. Oh, wait. I can share some with you. I'm God. Ha ha ha ha ha ha."

Then, it would be obvious that, a, God exists, and b, he is a colossal jerk. As a corollary, religious fanatics working full-time to make life miserable for anyone who disagrees with them really would be doing God's work.

But these hypothetical situations have no place in reality. It is unreasonable to expect God to give direct proof of his existence. For one, if he does exist, he has better things to do.

Two, there has been no direct and credible evidence of God's existence, in spite of many people trying extremely hard to prove otherwise. Basing the verisimilitude of your entire belief system on a birthmark appearing on a goat's ass that kind of sort of looks like Jesus is just plain silly. What are these people trying to say, God exists, but he's a hillbilly?

GOD: "I'm so proud of you, son, I'm gonna be putting your image on a goat's be-hind."
JESUS: "I can't believe you’re my Dad."
GOD: "And I can't wait for your birthday. I gonna git you a present that's gonna be hee-lar-i-ous! You still like grilled cheese, right?"

Third, and most important, we can't expect God to actively reveal his presence is because God, by definition, is lazy.

What I mean is that laziness is a requirement of omnipotence. Can you imagine a Type A personality being God? Everything would have gotten done in the first five minutes of the Universe. God would have had to spend the next 20 billion years dusting.

No. If God does exist, the Bible got it right. He took off Sunday and slept in.

For the next two thousand years and counting.

God went on extended vacation and told his followers that he wouldn't be appearing in the sky for a while because, uh, look, just trust me. I'm here. If there is a heaven, it's filled with millions of souls, pressing divots into the cloud-shaped floor as they wander around aimlessly and wonder when the hell God is going to get back and refill the beer in the fridge.

With the necessity of a supernatural being to be shiftless and unmotivated in place, the task now becomes to examine the natural workings of our Universe and ask ourselves, "Did all this stuff happen at random, or did some dude, albeit a lazy dude, have something to do with it?"

It's a question that is impossible to answer definitely, but there is a lot of circumstantial evidence that points to yes.

1. Gravity. Here's the effect of gravity. You can dump a bunch of stars and planets in space, give them each a flick to get started, and never, ever has to worry about them again. Gravity is the pet goldfish of the omnipotent beings world.
   

2. Evolution. Same principle. Bucket of primordial ooze, lightning bolt. Check back every 500 million years. Perfect for the hands-off manager who likes to take naps under his desk.
   

3. Natural disasters. The problem with unguided evolution is that, while it requires a minimum of maintenance, it's kind of like a child raising himself in a Mega Mall. The ice-cream shop is next to the gun store, which is next to the book store, which is next to the magazine kiosk with all the porn, and so on. Yeah, you could watch over the kid to make sure he doesn't get too crazy, but if you wanted to do that you wouldn't have abandoned him in a Mega Mall in the first place.
   
   So the choice, throughout the history of the Universe, when faced with a potential fuck-up, has always been a long-term intervention program involving constant attention and nurturing guidance vs. Big Fucking Meteor. Check the fossil records. Guess which one always wins?
   
   Score another one for the OLB (Old Lazy Bastard).

I know none of this is conclusive, but it's good enough for me. I feel confident enough to believe that one, God exists, and two, he is really lazy, and his laziness explains a lot of why the Universe is the way it is.

Even if you don't agree with me, I suggest you at least hedge your bets. It's very simple to do. On your death bed, just make sure someone buries a six-pack with you.