August 10, 2005

Welcome

Sixty-two percent of dog owners have a "Wipe Your Paws" welcome mat. Sixty-two percent! Where's the originality? If I owned a dog, two things would be certain.

One, I would get a toy dog, name it Precious, and carry it around on a velvet pillow just to piss people off.

Two, my welcome mat would read, "Wipe Your Damn Paws Already, You Stupid Mutt. I Wash You, Feed You, Pick Up Your Shit, and Give You a Treats Even When You Don't Do Anything Special, Which Is Like All the Time. The Least You Could Do Is Wipe Your Stinky, Muddy Feet, For Christ's Sake."

It would probably be two welcome mats, depending on how small the printer could make the font. But that's a minor detail.

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