A Special Day

While the march for gay equality takes a few steps back periodically, things are significantly better than they were 20 years ago, or even ten. But there is still a lot of homophobia when it comes to male sexuality. Even in D.C.'s Dupont Circle, a supposed hub of gay life, most gay men don't feel comfortable holding hands with their boyfriends.

For most of us, it's not because we don't enjoying showing affection in that way. It's because the stares and more negative responses turn the act from an unconscious expression of love to a calculated decision to violate social mores. Not very romantic, is it?

That's why I think we should have a National Hand Holding Day…for Gays! It will be sponsored by the Just for Men line of hair coloring products. On that day, gay men across the country, from states like Texas, Virginia, Georgia, Alabama...

Okay, gay men in D.C. and San Francisco will hold hands in public with their boyfriends. Gay men without boyfriends will grab the hand of a stranger and confuse him for a while. National Hand Holding Day...for Gays! will do much to reduce the latent homophobia that exists even in the nations' most gay-friendly communities. It will be a rousing success.

Especially because it's going to come after National Ass Grabbing Day…for Gays! Everything is relative. If we go straight to the hand holding, people will comment, "Eww, two men are holding hands! And neither of them is an oil sheik."

But if we start off walking with our hands in each other's back pockets, and then follow it up with holding hands, people will say: "Thank God they went back to the hand holding. The ass grabbing made me feel uncomfortable and confused."

So there it is. National Ass Grabbing and Hand Holding days. I know gay women have their own unique issues with the public's perception of their sexuality, so we will hold separate days for them. They will be identical to the days for the men, except during Ass Grabbing Day we'll beat up anyone who whips out a video camera.