Hodgepodge

* There are certain oft-quoted phrases that have a lyrical quality to them but are bereft of wisdom once you focus on the literal meaning of the phrase. Like "No rest for the weary." Well, yeah. That's why they're weary. Isn't that like saying "No work for the unemployed?" or "No sex for the guy in the Vulcan ears?"

* The stature of a basketball player is so great that it eclipses whatever humor people would find in an odd name under normal circumstances. Harry Dick could join the NBA, and nobody would laugh at his name as long as he got 20 and 10 during the regular season.

And Magic Johnson? He's literally saying his penis is magic. That's a lifetime of ridicule, even among adults, but have you ever heard someone poke fun of his name? Everyone loves Magic Johnson. The WNBA will finally hit the big time when one of their stars is called Special Vagina. "Special Vagina from downtown...IT'S GOOD!"

* "Closed captioning for Malcolm in the Middle is sponsored by..." Is closed captioning so unworthy a task that programs need to be paid to do it? "Closed captioning for Scrubs is sponsored by…no one. Sorry, deaf people."

* A job can influence how one looks at the world. For example, I'm a dog walker. A lot of people are calling for Paula Abdul to leave American Idol because she allegedly slept with a former contestant. I don’t care if she slept with him. But I think she should be kicked off the show for this:

"He says Abdul advised him on his clothes, haircut and song selection for "American Idol," and slept with him in the guest bedroom of her Los Angeles home, where he shared space with her dogs Thumbelina, Tulip and Tinker Bell.

What kind of sick person names their dogs Thumbelina, Tulip and Tinker Bell? I've walked over a hundred dogs, and still, those are the Three Musketeers of stupid dog names. What's worse is that I'll bet at least two of those dogs are males. I hope Tinker Bell pisses all over her sheets.