The Story of Zero

I've been watching a lot of Washington Wizards games this season, and one of the stories Steve Buckhantz enjoys trotting out is how in college Gilbert Arenas chose 0 as his jersey number because that's the number of minutes his detractors said he would get.

Evidentially, detractors have become more sophisticated with time. Back when I was in college, we would just tell people that they sucked and, if feeling particularly creative, that their suckiness would continue well into the future. The taunt, "Not only do you suck, but the degree of your lack of skill entails one to come to only one conclusion: the cumulative number of minutes marking your playing time will not rise above 0," never occurred to us.

It's an inspiring story, but what about all the players who hear this anecdote and decide to pick 0 for their jersey number without realizing that they suck? So not only are they getting no minutes, they also have a giant 0 on their back, like part of a costume for a super loser.

ANNOUNCER1: "There's Steve Zenkowich, the only player in Eagles history never to be put in a game."

ANNOUNCER2: "And with the Eagles only up by 34, that likely won't change in this game."

ANNOUNCER1: "That's right, Bill. Zenkowich's suckiness is legendary. Although in theory adding him to the game with a minute left would be safe, that's a risk the coach just can't take."

ANNOUNCER2: "Interesting story behind Zenkowich's jersey. When he joined the team as a walk-on four years ago, Steve decided to pick 0 for his jersey number to show up his detractors who thought he would get 0 playing minutes. Unfortunately, the 0 has served as a popular target for the more unruly fans to pelt with empty cups and popcorn."

ANNOUNCER1: "Hold on there. It looks like Zenkowich is finally getting to play in a game. Steve has gotten up and…ooh, it looks like he was just getting rid of a wedgie."

ANNOUNCER2: "One of the hazards of staying on the bench too long."

ANNOUNCER1: "Indeed. In fact, Zenkowich had to miss three games this season from a blood clot in his left leg."

ANNOUNCER2: "Sitting on a bench for the whole game isn't as easy as it looks."

ANNOUNCER1: "No, it isn't."