Sketch: Bumper Sticker Madness

CHARACTERS

J.B. (Boss)
IDEA MAN 1
IDEA MAN 2

Boss walks in.

J.B.: We got a problem. Our bumper stickers sales are flat. The company is going broke and we haven't had a hit in over a year.

IDEA MAN 1: But we've come up with plenty of great ideas.

IDEA MAN 2: Yeah. "My other car is also a car".

IDEA MAN 1: "Honk if you love honking".

IDEA MAN 2: "ARRRRRRRRRRRRGH!"

J.B.: Especially "ARRRRRRRRRGH!" Who wants to put "ARRRRRRRRRRGH!" on their car?

IDEA MAN 2: Pirates?

J.B.: There are no pirates! That's the point. We're targeting too narrow markets. We need to generate some ideas for a really large group.

IDEA MAN 1: The blind.

J.B.: Do I need to tell you all the ways that idea is dumb?

IDEA MAN 1: Hold on, J.B. Hear me out. We'll put an arrow on the bumper sticker in Braille so they'll know which way to stick it on their cars.

J.B.: Next.

IDEA MAN 2: I got it. Street ladies.

J.B.: No.

IDEA MAN 2: But--

J.B.: No! We're not doing a bumper sticker on street ladies.

IDEA MAN 2: But--

J.B.: No!

IDEA MAN 2: [pause, then rushed out] "If you can read this you're not in the backseat".

J.B.: Jesus Fucking Christ! We're going to be bankrupt in a month. We need to find the largest market possible. Think, people!

IDEA MAN 1: Jesus! Religion. We've never done a bumper about religion before.

J.B.: Yes. Yes! Good idea. Okay, let's think. What's a catchy bumper sticker that a religious person would buy?

IDEA MAN 1: "God Bless America".

J.B.: That's nice, but it's been done before.

IDEA MAN 1: No no no no. [takes out poster board + magic marker. Writes away from audience, then lifts us poster board.] "God Bless America".

J.B.: That's your twist?

IDEA MAN 1: Hear me out. It puts the focus on who's blessing America. [pretends to be confused customer] "Who's blessing America? The bus driver? Grandma? I don't know. Hey, what's this? God Bless America. Oh! Now I get it. I'll take one."

IDEA MAN 2: I'll take five.

IDEA MAN 1: I'll take ten!

J.B.: Underlining God isn't going to help us break into a new market.

IDEA MAN 1: But--

IDEA MAN 2: He's right. We need something bigger. To go for the gold. To...

[takes poster board, scribbles like he is making a lot of revisions.]

IDEA MAN 2: Call up the printing press and tell 'em to slap it on. "God Bless America". We get the religious audience and the patriotic audience.

J.B.: That just went from dumb to confusing.

IDEA MAN 1: J.B., I hear you loud and clear. Hold on.

[takes poster board, scribbles a long time, like he is making a paragraph-worth of revisions.]

IDEA MAN 1: "God Bless America." "What's God doing to America? Is he hitting it? Is he shaking it? No, he's blessing America. Because he's God, and he's the best. I'll take 10."

IDEA MAN 2: I'll take 20.

IDEA MAN 1: I'll sell myself into prostitution to buy one.

J.B.: Look, both of you. Drop it. We need to think of a different tack.

A few moments of silence while they try to think of a solution.

IDEA MAN 2: I got it.

[takes poster board, scribbles for a few moments]

IDEA MAN 2: "God Bless America, Motherfuckers".

J.B.: Time to call it quits. You did two enough for today. Go home. I'll think of something myself.

IDEA MAN 2: What's wrong with "God Bless America, Motherfuckers"?

J.B.: Go.

IDEA MAN 1 + 2 hesitantly get up to leave.

IDEA MAN 1: God Bless America, ass slappers?

J.B.: Out!

IDEA MAN 2: God Bless America, ball jigglers?

J.B.: Go home!

IDEA MAN 1 + 2 leave. Offstage: "Ring-ring." J.B. picks up phone.

J.B.: Hello, sir. Yes, I have something I think you'll like. " God Bless America, Motherfuckers." Thank you, sir. I think it's going to be a winner too. Oh, no. I thought of it myself.