(A sketch I wrote.)
A shabbily-dressed man with a crazed look slowly stumbles across the stage. CITIZEN, reading a newspaper as she walk, heads towards him. The man grabs her.
SHABBY MAN: Please, miss. What day is it?
CITIZEN: January 27th.
SHABBY MAN: What year?
CITIZEN: [puzzled] Year? 2005.
SHABBY MAN: [stunned] You're the first person I've seen in over twelve months.
CITIZEN: Where have you been?
SHABBY MAN: I was trapped under L'Enfant Plaza. I fell down a pothole and a car parked over me. The meter ran out. Five seconds later, it got a boot.
CITIZEN: Oh my God. It was there the whole time? How did you get out?
SHABBY MAN: A larger pothole took the car. I climbed out by standing on top of it.
CITIZEN: That's horrible. Can I get you something? What can I do?
SHABBY MAN: Please, just tell me what I missed.
CITIZEN: Where should I start?
SHABBY MAN: Anything. Sports. How are the Redskins doing?
CITIZEN: Well, Joe Gibbs came back.
SHABBY MAN: [gasps] The Gibbsiah. Are we in the Super Bowl?
CITIZEN: Um, no.
SHABBY MAN: Damn. We lost the Conference Championship.
CITIZEN: Not exactly.
SHABBY MAN: Second round?
CITIZEN: Hmmmm…
SHABBY MAN: Wild card?
CITIZEN: I'm not sure how to put this...
SHABBY MAN: 8-8?
CITIZEN: 6-10.
SHABBY MAN: [spirit crushed]. I can't believe it. They're worse than the Wizards.
CITIZEN: Actually, they're doing pretty good.
SHABBY MAN: And the Caps?
CITIZEN: How are you feeling right now?
SHABBY MAN: Not well.
CITIZEN: Let's switch to something else.
SHABBY MAN: [thinks for a moment] Bennifer! Are they--?
CITIZEN: I'm sorry.
SHABBY MAN: Oh. Brad and Jennifer?
[shakes head no]
SHABBY MAN: Britney and Jason?
CITIZEN: Who?
SHABBY MAN: Britney Spears and Jason A. Alexander. They got married in Las Vegas. I fell down the manhole the next day.
CITIZEN: They broke up after 55 hours.
SHABBY MAN: [looks away, stares off] All this time I thought I was living a dream. But it was really a nightmare. What about the gays?
CITIZEN: They still can't get married.
SHABBY MAN: Yeah, that makes sense.
CITIZEN: Are you interested in politics?
SHABBY MAN: The election! What's been doing on with the economy?
CITIZEN: It's still in a slump.
SHABBY MAN: Iraq?
CITIZEN: On the brink of civil war.
SHABBY MAN: The debates?
CITIZEN: Bush got creamed.
SHABBY MAN: So who's the new President?
CITIZEN: George Bush.
SHABBY MAN: What? Howard Dean still lost?
CITIZEN: Actually, it was John Kerry.
SHABBY MAN: Who?
CITIZEN: Exactly.
SHABBY MAN: Is there any reason to stay out here?
CITIZEN: Uh, American Idol is coming back for another season?
SHABBY MAN: I'll be in my hole.
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