Fellowship of the Ring Com-E-D!

Hey, it's only three years late.

INT. HOBBIT'S ROOM, PRANCING PONY -- NIGHT

INSERT: MERRY SNORING SOFTLY ON HIS PILLOW.
INSERT: PIPPIN stirs slightly, then settles back to sleep.

WIDE ON: the door creaks open...THE FOUR RINGWRAITHS silently slide into the Hobbit's room.

The LOOM above each bed, raising their SHINING SWORDS ABOVE THE SLEEPING HOBBITS.

QUICK INSERT: Sam's eyes open wide.

In unison, the RINGWRAITS STAB THE HOBBITS, in a slashing,
hacking frenzy.

INT. STRIDER'S ROOM -- NIGHT
Strider is grimly listening to the sounds from his room.
INT. HOBBIT'S ROOM, PRANCING PONY -- NIGHT

Wide on: the RINGWRAITHS step back from the slashed beds in triumph.

CLOSE ON: a hacked blanket is pulled back to reveal nothing but a shredded pillow. The RINGWRAITHS SHRIEK.

RINGWRAITH1
"Aieee! They've turned into pillows."

HEAD RINGWRAITH whacks SUBORDINATE upside head.

HEAD RINGWRAITH
"You idiot. They tricked us."

RINGWRAITH1
"Oh. Well, I guess we have to try again tomorrow. Anybody up for a bite to eat?"

HEAD RINGWRAITH
"Are you crazy? We're not leaving now. They have to be within feet of here. Can't you feel the pull of ring?"

RINGWRAITH1
"No, but I can feel the pull of a doughnut."

RINGWRAITH2
"Roger's right, boss. I'm hungry too."

HEAD RINGWRAITH whacks subordinates.

HEAD RINGWRAITH
"You knuckleheads. We're not eating anything until we find them. Understand?"

RINGWRAITH1
"But it's dark outside. We have a hard enough time seeing in the day."

RINGWRAITH2
"You know, no one's using these beds. We restuff the pillows, get a few blankets...anyone have a sewing needle?"

RINGWRAITH4
"I've been waiting so long for someone to ask me that. I haven't did any serious sewing since the Second Age."

HEAD RINGWRAITH
"We. Are. Not. Taking. A. Nap."

RINGWRAITH1
"Why not?"

HEAD RINGWRAITH
"Because we're RINGWRAITHS. You know, sleepless creatures of the night? Neither living or dead? Ring a bell?"

RINGWRAITH2
"Well, we don't have to sleep, but it doesn't mean we wouldn't enjoy a short refresher if the opportunity arose."

RINGWRAITH1
"Hear, hear."

RINGWRAITH4
"Anyone have a thimble?"

RINGWRAITH2
"And another thing. You think Sauron could have provided us with a few padded saddles, being as we're mostly bone and all."

HEAD RINGWRAITH
"Do not disparage our dark master."

RINGWRAITH2
"I'm not disparaging him. I'm just saying the job would be a lot better with a few amenities. Like a hot shower every now and then. Have we smelled ourselves recently? What are we supposed to do, kill these guys with our swords or our stench?"

RINGWRAITH4
"Forget it. I found one."

HEAD RINGWRAITH smacks thimble out of RINGWRAITH4's hand.

HEAD RINGWRAITH
"Creatures of the dark do not sew."

RINGWRAITH2
"We don't sew now, but who knows what skill sets we'll need in the future?"

HEAD RINGWRAITH overturns a bed in anger and lets out a blood-chilling shriek. RINGWRAITH1, who has been deep in thought for the past few minutes, doesn't notice.

HEAD RINGWRAITH
"Enough. We are not getting doughnuts. We are not sewing or patching or knitting anything. And most of all, we are not taking a little nappy-wappy while our prey roams free."

RINGWRAITH1
"Wait, I got it! Here's how we can take a nap and still be on the job. We'll sleep in the beds, but you can just pretend to sleep. Then, when they come to kill us, you can wake us up and we'll kill them."

HEAD RINGWRAITH
"THEY'RE NOT TRYING TO KILL US! THEY'RE TRYING TO RUN AWAY FROM US.

RINGWRAITH1
"Really? How long has that been going on?"

HEAD RINGWRAITH
"THAT'S IT. THE NEXT MORON WHO SPEAKS GETS DICED INTO A HUNDRED PIECES AND FED TO MY HORSE."

RINGWRAITH1
"Your mean horse, Marauder, or your nice horse at home, Sprinkles?"

HEAD RINGWRAITH
"MARAUDER, THE HORSE WHO ATE SPRINKLES LAST WEEK."

The three RINGWRAITHS gulp and run out the room.