The ¼ Assed, Half-Baked, Completely Obnoxious Pancake City Political Dictionary and Unnecessarily Long Title Revision Project

The writer of a political web site I read occasionally posted a humorous "Republican Dictionary" that was compiled from reader submissions by editors of The Nation, a liberal weekly periodical.

I read it, found a smattering of the entries funny but thought that the entry writers didn't have enough distance from what they were mocking and often eschewed a more clever route for a political jab. For example:

OWNERSHIP SOCIETY, n. Bush is a jack-ass!

See? Not very funny. So I embarked on one of my most obnoxious comedy ventures ever and started rewriting their dictionary.

CONCEITED, adj. 1. Thinking you are funnier than everyone else without actual proof. 2. Bush is a loser!

"Woah, this is harder than it looks." But I plowed on, getting up to "E" and fairly happy with what I wrote before going to bed.

I wake up today, open the file at my computer and…I got nothing. The entries whose heavy-handedness inspired me to rewrite them now seemed acceptable, some of them even funny.

This may either be a temporary lapse in creativity or a premature end to my grand plan. Regardless, here is A-E in the revised Pancake City Revised Republican Dictionary. Modified entries have an asterisk before them. You can see the original here.

*ACTIVIST JUDGE, n. A judge who is for women voting blacks voting gays voting…what? They can already vote? Fuck.

*ALARMIST, n. Scientist interviewed on NPR.

*ALLIES, n. Foreigners who do what we tell them to do in exchange for…um, I don't know. Surplus Twinkies?

*ALTERNATIVE ENERGY SOURCES, n. 1. Part of President's visionary plan to free America of her lifelong dependence on foreign oil by financing private-sector fuel cell companies coupled with a conservation-based energy policy that will---who are we kidding? Let's club some seals.

*BALANCED, adj. 1. A fundamental property of the universe that states for every anti-Bushon created in our universe, two to three pro-Bushons must be created in a separate universe. Also in this separate universe, all the life forms scream at each other and accuse their friends of jiggling the balls of terrorists.

BI-PARTISANSHIP, n. When conservative Republicans work together with moderate Republicans to pass legislation Democrats hate.

CIVIL LIBERTIES, n. Unnecessary privileges that you aren't afraid of losing unless you are a God-hating, baby-killing, elitist liberal who loves Saddam Hussein more than your own safety.

* CLARIFY, v. The exact opposite of what the President said yesterday.

* CLASS WARFARE, n. The noun cited when a Republican is asked if there is any warfare he doesn't like.

* CLEAN, adj. A powerful modifier that saves Republican legislators hours of time from having to write good environmental legislation.

* CLIMATE CHANGE, n. An air-tight explanation of global warming based on Newton's Fourth Law, "Shit happens," that is also based in one of the pillars of Republican philosophy, personal responsibility.

* COALITION, n. The United States of Britain with Special Guest, Banana Town.

* CONVICTION, n. What would have happened to the Bush administration if the Democrats controlled the investigative arm of Congress.

* CULTURE OF LIFE, n. By inference, a culture that is a lot better than the Democrats' condom-based Culture of Death.

* DEATH TAX, n. An absolutely horrible, cruel and unfair tax, if anything like its name suggests actually existed.

* DEMOCRACY, n. Holding a $40 million inauguration party in a time of war while forcing the people who voted 9 to 1 against you to foot the security bill. Suck it, D.C. If you don't like it, you can complain to your Senator…oh, that's right [snicker].

* DEMOCRATIC ALLY, n. Britain, Australia, Pakistan, Brazil…wait a minute. Pakistan? Almost-stared-a-nuclear-war-with-India Pakistan? Who unlatched the velvet rope for those nuts?

* DEREGULATE, v. A Republican meat processing plant owner's wet dream.

* DETAIN, v. An awesome new procedure that lets you hold someone as long as you want as long as you think he's a terrorist but never actually charge him as one.

* ECONOMIC PROGRESS, n. A condition that occurs when the following three criteria are met. 1. People in the upper class are better off than their parents. 2. People in the middle class are better--huh? Sure, I'll play racquetball. No, it's cool. I'll finish the rest later.

ECONOMIC RECOVERY, n. When three out of five software engineers who lost their jobs to outsourcing are able to find part-time work at Wal-Mart.

ELECTION FRAUD, n. Counting every vote.

* FAIRER, adj. Another modifier, similar to "clean", that is critical for any legislation to be successful. Example: "The Clean Fairer Death Tax Freedom Act of 2005"