Stories That Start Off This Way Usually Aren't Very Good

On the toilet today, I had a vision of Carrot Top in court, charged for crimes against comedy. He lost. The judge grabbed his oak gavel, leaned over the bench and said, “Mr. Top, before I sentence you, do you have anything to say for yourself? Carrot Top looked at the gavel and thought, “I could use that in my act. I’ll call it ‘Ghetto pest control’. ” Then he broken down in tears and sobbed, “Oh, god. I need help.” A trail of mascara fell down his cheek. Then I wiped my ass.