Original Sin
Original Sin, Pt 2
October 31, 2007
October 30, 2007
From the Department of Ewww
Mickey, one of the dogs I walk, found a dead squirrel today and picked it up. The wiry tail hung out of his mouse and whipped back and forth like a half-eaten strand of spaghetti.
Mickey was very proud of himself. He walked close to me to show off his prize. My one attempt to dislodge it from his mouth, poking the dead squirrel with a four-foot stick, only gained me an annoyed look.
He carried it all the way home, when he unceremoniously dropped it on the newly vacuumed carpet. I locked him in a room while I threw it away. Before we got home, though, we met a manically friendly 40ish year-old woman who was jogging towards us. This is the verbatim conversation:
LADY: "Oh, look at you! You are such a sweet dog! Yes, you are! Yes, you--OH GOD."
ME: "Yup."
Mickey was very proud of himself. He walked close to me to show off his prize. My one attempt to dislodge it from his mouth, poking the dead squirrel with a four-foot stick, only gained me an annoyed look.
He carried it all the way home, when he unceremoniously dropped it on the newly vacuumed carpet. I locked him in a room while I threw it away. Before we got home, though, we met a manically friendly 40ish year-old woman who was jogging towards us. This is the verbatim conversation:
LADY: "Oh, look at you! You are such a sweet dog! Yes, you are! Yes, you--OH GOD."
ME: "Yup."
October 29, 2007
What Are Your Top Three Podcasts?
If you could only listen to three podcasts, which ones would they be? Post your answer in a comment.
My favorite podcast is This American Life. A very close and less well-known second is WYNC's Radio Lab. The show picks a broad subject like morality and digs up interesting scientific studies or stories about the topic. One of the hosts is Robert Krulwich, who seems to make an amazing use of whatever medium he is in.
I don't have a clear third, which is part of the reason why I'm asking this question. The rest of the podcasts I listen to are entertaining but on a lower tier. If I had to pick one though, it would be Wait, Wait...Don't Tell Me, NPR's comedy news program.
My favorite podcast is This American Life. A very close and less well-known second is WYNC's Radio Lab. The show picks a broad subject like morality and digs up interesting scientific studies or stories about the topic. One of the hosts is Robert Krulwich, who seems to make an amazing use of whatever medium he is in.
I don't have a clear third, which is part of the reason why I'm asking this question. The rest of the podcasts I listen to are entertaining but on a lower tier. If I had to pick one though, it would be Wait, Wait...Don't Tell Me, NPR's comedy news program.
Sir, Your Premise Is Flawed, and Your Pantaloons Are Off-Center
I would like to point out that three seconds after I wrote the title for this post, I found my cell phone, which I had been searching for the past half-hour. If you are really good at deductive logic, you may be able to figure out where it was with one hint: I do something when I am about to write for a while.
The Washington Post Outlook printed an essay by someone who argues that the media and public perception of Rudy Giuliani as a liberal is wrong.
My perception of Giuliani is that his name is very difficult to spell by memory. Sounding it out doesn't help either. Gee-you-lan-ee--at least one of the "i"s in his name is excessive. I'm not voting for any candidate whose name isn't spelled like it sounds. Mike Huckabee--now there is a man I can get behind. There was even a movie made about him, I Heart Huckabees. It was made by Hollywood (evil!), but I have a forgiving heart for Huckabee-named movies.
If you think I am being superficial, name the last President we elected with a slightly odd name. Heck, name the last candidate nominated for President with a slightly odd name.
Back to the article in question. I haven't spent much attention on either primary race, but I disagree with the author's basic premise: "Somehow, though, Giuliani is being introduced to the rest of America as a liberal."
Really? I haven't heard anyone besides the far-right label him as a liberal. The author himself can't even find an example of someone in the media or mainstream calling him that. He quotes a few pundits saying that he has "liberal positions on social issues" and equates that with being a liberal, but they're two different things.
This logical jump undersells his whole argument. He's trying to disprove something--the mainstream thinks Giuliani is a liberal--that isn't true in the first place.
Do you like all of these paragraph breaks? Pancake City cares about readability and short attention spans.
It's too bad the author isn't more honest with his premise, because there are interesting points to be made about the ties between perception and politics. I'm guessing that most people who know little about Giuliani will assume he's a moderate almost solely because he was a Republican elected in New York city.
Likewise, people would assume a Democratic governor elected in Kansas would be a moderate. These assumptions are often true and powerful because of that.
What's interesting to me is the lag between these perceptions and reality. Every primary candidate shifts away from the center to attract partisan voters who play a greater role in primaries than the general election. It takes time for media pundits to update their often simplified story of a candidate, if they ever catch on at all.
That's a more interesting topic in my eyes. What is the connection between reality--what a candidate says and how voters perceive him or her--and the media's reporting of that reality, which often seems strongly filtered by long-ago made assumptions that are difficult to change?
For example, the current narrative is that Hillary Clinton is unstoppable and has the Democratic nation locked up. Polls give her a sizable lead. I've seen stories, maybe noticed because of my own filter, on how Obama's donors are worried. Political future markets are selling Hillary shares at 70 for the Democratic nomination (essentially saying she has a 70% of winning the Democratic nomination).
How much of this is based on reality--Obama and Edwards not connecting with primary voters--and how much of this is a self-feeding narrative, similar to the convention wisdom on Howard Dean four years ago? How much are undecided voters influences by these narratives? It seems backwards that such a strong narrative can be accepted and repeated without a single vote cast.
Edit: I just remembered another narrative that I'm not sure how it got started and took hold: Clinton is experienced / Obama is inexperienced. You know the last elected office Clinton held before being elected Senator on New York? None.
My guess is that experience is being used as a synonym for familiarity. As first-lady for eight years, she has had more time in the public eye than anyone running right now. She is also strongly associated with someone with a lot of experience, former President Clinton, and the connotation people have of the former President may be spilling over to her.
The closest person to Clinton in length of public exposure? Giuliani, who guess what, is also the front-runner for his party. Hmm. Maybe there is a connection.
The Washington Post Outlook printed an essay by someone who argues that the media and public perception of Rudy Giuliani as a liberal is wrong.
My perception of Giuliani is that his name is very difficult to spell by memory. Sounding it out doesn't help either. Gee-you-lan-ee--at least one of the "i"s in his name is excessive. I'm not voting for any candidate whose name isn't spelled like it sounds. Mike Huckabee--now there is a man I can get behind. There was even a movie made about him, I Heart Huckabees. It was made by Hollywood (evil!), but I have a forgiving heart for Huckabee-named movies.
If you think I am being superficial, name the last President we elected with a slightly odd name. Heck, name the last candidate nominated for President with a slightly odd name.
Back to the article in question. I haven't spent much attention on either primary race, but I disagree with the author's basic premise: "Somehow, though, Giuliani is being introduced to the rest of America as a liberal."
Really? I haven't heard anyone besides the far-right label him as a liberal. The author himself can't even find an example of someone in the media or mainstream calling him that. He quotes a few pundits saying that he has "liberal positions on social issues" and equates that with being a liberal, but they're two different things.
This logical jump undersells his whole argument. He's trying to disprove something--the mainstream thinks Giuliani is a liberal--that isn't true in the first place.
Do you like all of these paragraph breaks? Pancake City cares about readability and short attention spans.
It's too bad the author isn't more honest with his premise, because there are interesting points to be made about the ties between perception and politics. I'm guessing that most people who know little about Giuliani will assume he's a moderate almost solely because he was a Republican elected in New York city.
Likewise, people would assume a Democratic governor elected in Kansas would be a moderate. These assumptions are often true and powerful because of that.
What's interesting to me is the lag between these perceptions and reality. Every primary candidate shifts away from the center to attract partisan voters who play a greater role in primaries than the general election. It takes time for media pundits to update their often simplified story of a candidate, if they ever catch on at all.
That's a more interesting topic in my eyes. What is the connection between reality--what a candidate says and how voters perceive him or her--and the media's reporting of that reality, which often seems strongly filtered by long-ago made assumptions that are difficult to change?
For example, the current narrative is that Hillary Clinton is unstoppable and has the Democratic nation locked up. Polls give her a sizable lead. I've seen stories, maybe noticed because of my own filter, on how Obama's donors are worried. Political future markets are selling Hillary shares at 70 for the Democratic nomination (essentially saying she has a 70% of winning the Democratic nomination).
How much of this is based on reality--Obama and Edwards not connecting with primary voters--and how much of this is a self-feeding narrative, similar to the convention wisdom on Howard Dean four years ago? How much are undecided voters influences by these narratives? It seems backwards that such a strong narrative can be accepted and repeated without a single vote cast.
Edit: I just remembered another narrative that I'm not sure how it got started and took hold: Clinton is experienced / Obama is inexperienced. You know the last elected office Clinton held before being elected Senator on New York? None.
My guess is that experience is being used as a synonym for familiarity. As first-lady for eight years, she has had more time in the public eye than anyone running right now. She is also strongly associated with someone with a lot of experience, former President Clinton, and the connotation people have of the former President may be spilling over to her.
The closest person to Clinton in length of public exposure? Giuliani, who guess what, is also the front-runner for his party. Hmm. Maybe there is a connection.
October 27, 2007
Our Malined Friend
I feel sorry for the toilet seat. It's always the comparison point for grossness.
Every few months there's a story on how Everyday Object X has more bacteria than a toilet seat. "Average keyboard has more bacteria than a toilet seat." "Calling Dr. Gross--mobile phone has more bacteria than a toilet seat." "Why don't you have your baby lick a toilet? Pacifiers have more bacteria than gas station commode."
If there are so many objects more disgusting than a toilet seat, maybe it's time to back off the insults to our porcelain friend. It's doing something right. It is beating our cell phones in the clean contest, and I don't know about you, but I don't poop on my cell phone.
What would I use as a substitute? A far question to ask. If I were a scientist releasing a meaningless study because my company's PR department wants to generate publicity from a media machine that hungers for attention-grabbing stories that require almost no research or effort to report, I'd....well, actually, I'd kill myself, because my life would be a hollow shell, empty of a long-forgotten dream to do something meaningful.
Or...I would use an object that no one would suspect harbors bacteria, and give people two things to fret about. "Office keyboards have more bacteria than corn!" What? Corn has bacteria?
Every few months there's a story on how Everyday Object X has more bacteria than a toilet seat. "Average keyboard has more bacteria than a toilet seat." "Calling Dr. Gross--mobile phone has more bacteria than a toilet seat." "Why don't you have your baby lick a toilet? Pacifiers have more bacteria than gas station commode."
If there are so many objects more disgusting than a toilet seat, maybe it's time to back off the insults to our porcelain friend. It's doing something right. It is beating our cell phones in the clean contest, and I don't know about you, but I don't poop on my cell phone.
What would I use as a substitute? A far question to ask. If I were a scientist releasing a meaningless study because my company's PR department wants to generate publicity from a media machine that hungers for attention-grabbing stories that require almost no research or effort to report, I'd....well, actually, I'd kill myself, because my life would be a hollow shell, empty of a long-forgotten dream to do something meaningful.
Or...I would use an object that no one would suspect harbors bacteria, and give people two things to fret about. "Office keyboards have more bacteria than corn!" What? Corn has bacteria?
October 26, 2007
You Are What You Do?
Have you ever focused on something so intently that it filtered how you viewed the world? When I used Photoshop intensely for a few weeks, I would have thoughts like "That's a nice gradient in the sky" or "That azalea bush is over-saturated." It's the visual equivalent of staring at a black-and-white spiral for 30 seconds, then looking away at a blank wall and seeing the wall spin.
Maybe you worked 12-hour days for a few weeks writing computer programs and started seeing human behavior in code: IF sign=walk, THEN move forward. Perhaps after a long pottery class lampposts look more like shaped clay than steel, the rivets spiraling up the post formed by hand, not machine.
I find this disturbing, in a way, how easily our way of processing the world can be affected by selectively focusing on one activity for a while. I can't quite put my finger on why it troubles me. Most of what makes people up is rigid and thus dependable. Our appearance, character, and manner of social interaction are slow to change.
But this other pillar of what makes us us, the way we look at the world, is flimsy. It changes all the time, sometimes in dramatic ways over a period of hours, just by doing an activity intensely.
Last night, I watched episodes of a television show (Heroes) for five hours non-stop. Part of the time I had a poker game running on the other background and occasionally pause and rewind the show when I had to play a hand. I remember seeing two players involved in a big hand out of the corner of my eye, and after pausing Heroes, my first instinct was to rewind the hand so I could watch it again, like I was watching another show.
A few other times I wanted to put a person I was talking to on pause, literally, so I could concentrate on something else for a moment. It's jolting to have two areas of my life bleed into each other like that. It's a brief glimpse into a warped reality, almost like a psychosis.
I wonder if there is any connection between this phenomenon and psychoses like delusion. If I saw a action movie where the hero was extremely paranoid, I would become a little paranoid too. What if instead of this feeling not being reinforced by my environment and fading away, it takes root through a small flaw of brain chemistry and starts reinforcing itself?
My thoughts are scattered, but I'm starting to wonder if the reason most psychoses exist is due to how easy it is to change how we look at the world. It's not as much the absence of a big block of neurotransmitters, but the fact that perception is so fragile that it takes little to set it off-kilter.
Maybe there should be a new field of therapy called "reality grounding" (if there isn't one already) that would help people recognize the influence of their actions on their thinking, especially during intense activity, and resist this influence when they want to.
Maybe you worked 12-hour days for a few weeks writing computer programs and started seeing human behavior in code: IF sign=walk, THEN move forward. Perhaps after a long pottery class lampposts look more like shaped clay than steel, the rivets spiraling up the post formed by hand, not machine.
I find this disturbing, in a way, how easily our way of processing the world can be affected by selectively focusing on one activity for a while. I can't quite put my finger on why it troubles me. Most of what makes people up is rigid and thus dependable. Our appearance, character, and manner of social interaction are slow to change.
But this other pillar of what makes us us, the way we look at the world, is flimsy. It changes all the time, sometimes in dramatic ways over a period of hours, just by doing an activity intensely.
Last night, I watched episodes of a television show (Heroes) for five hours non-stop. Part of the time I had a poker game running on the other background and occasionally pause and rewind the show when I had to play a hand. I remember seeing two players involved in a big hand out of the corner of my eye, and after pausing Heroes, my first instinct was to rewind the hand so I could watch it again, like I was watching another show.
A few other times I wanted to put a person I was talking to on pause, literally, so I could concentrate on something else for a moment. It's jolting to have two areas of my life bleed into each other like that. It's a brief glimpse into a warped reality, almost like a psychosis.
I wonder if there is any connection between this phenomenon and psychoses like delusion. If I saw a action movie where the hero was extremely paranoid, I would become a little paranoid too. What if instead of this feeling not being reinforced by my environment and fading away, it takes root through a small flaw of brain chemistry and starts reinforcing itself?
My thoughts are scattered, but I'm starting to wonder if the reason most psychoses exist is due to how easy it is to change how we look at the world. It's not as much the absence of a big block of neurotransmitters, but the fact that perception is so fragile that it takes little to set it off-kilter.
Maybe there should be a new field of therapy called "reality grounding" (if there isn't one already) that would help people recognize the influence of their actions on their thinking, especially during intense activity, and resist this influence when they want to.
October 24, 2007
Google Trends
Hey, lazy reporters!
Need evidence to support the conclusion you had before you started writing your political horse race piece? Visit Google Trends. It tracks search engine traffic and news references for popular words and phrases.
Google Trends is flexible enough to accommodate a wide-variety of pre-conceived ideas. Isn't it a shame how people care more about celebrities than politicians? Just search for "Paris Hilton, Hillary Clinton." Oops! Hillary got more news references. Better revise the search: "Paris Hilton, Senator Brownback." There we go!
Hey, how does a goat fare against the three main Democratic presidential candidates? Hoo hoo hoo! Politics is silly.
Google Trends is also useful when planning the news cycle during the slow summer months. Should we go with Summer of the Shark, or Summer of the Monkey? Let's check with America first.
Need evidence to support the conclusion you had before you started writing your political horse race piece? Visit Google Trends. It tracks search engine traffic and news references for popular words and phrases.
Google Trends is flexible enough to accommodate a wide-variety of pre-conceived ideas. Isn't it a shame how people care more about celebrities than politicians? Just search for "Paris Hilton, Hillary Clinton." Oops! Hillary got more news references. Better revise the search: "Paris Hilton, Senator Brownback." There we go!
Hey, how does a goat fare against the three main Democratic presidential candidates? Hoo hoo hoo! Politics is silly.
Google Trends is also useful when planning the news cycle during the slow summer months. Should we go with Summer of the Shark, or Summer of the Monkey? Let's check with America first.
Historical Figures Updated for the 21st Century
Abe Link'in: This web site avatar will connect the myriad places on the web with his steadfast leadership and eloquent RSS summaries, before being shot down by a pop-up ad for Viagra.
George Washington Truth Serum: "I cannot tell a lie"...and neither will those stinking terrorists be able to either when they're injected with 500mg of G. W. Truth Serum. Claim you're a legal citizen just trying to run a struggling ethnic restaurant? We'll see what you have to say after having a talk with our founding father. Warning: may cause irreparable nerve and brain damage.
FDR: Franklin Delanor Roosevelt has a "New Deal" for you: insanely low prices on the 2008 Mazda Miatas and hundreds of other of the latest models. You won't be able to get up either once you sit in the new 2008 Toyota Prius. What? The already use Presidents to to sell cars? Jeez. What fucking assholes.
George Washington Truth Serum: "I cannot tell a lie"...and neither will those stinking terrorists be able to either when they're injected with 500mg of G. W. Truth Serum. Claim you're a legal citizen just trying to run a struggling ethnic restaurant? We'll see what you have to say after having a talk with our founding father. Warning: may cause irreparable nerve and brain damage.
FDR: Franklin Delanor Roosevelt has a "New Deal" for you: insanely low prices on the 2008 Mazda Miatas and hundreds of other of the latest models. You won't be able to get up either once you sit in the new 2008 Toyota Prius. What? The already use Presidents to to sell cars? Jeez. What fucking assholes.
October 19, 2007
Let's Waste Some Time
Check out Boomshine. It's an elegant and simple game. The object is to detonate as many of the multi-colored balls bouncing around the screen as you can in one shot.
This game made me wonder if it was also the perfect test of intuition, the ability to process vast amounts of information in a blink and come up with a course of action that is right without knowing why. Is this game blind luck, or is intuition at work, calculating hundreds of trajectories at once and sensing the right moment and place to to click to destroy as many balls at once? You'll understand what I mean when you play.
I felt I did worse when I let my analytical side take over and started thinking about where to click rather than clicking at the first spot that came into my head.
This game made me wonder if it was also the perfect test of intuition, the ability to process vast amounts of information in a blink and come up with a course of action that is right without knowing why. Is this game blind luck, or is intuition at work, calculating hundreds of trajectories at once and sensing the right moment and place to to click to destroy as many balls at once? You'll understand what I mean when you play.
I felt I did worse when I let my analytical side take over and started thinking about where to click rather than clicking at the first spot that came into my head.
October 18, 2007
Back from the past: Strip Creator
I posted a link to this site a few years ago and forgot about it until now. It's Strip Creator, a web site that allows the creative and artistically untalented to create their own comics. This one is mine:
Wanting to stay single
This one isn't mine, but it's funny.
Wanting to stay single
This one isn't mine, but it's funny.
October 17, 2007
Down With Bears! Vote Colbert!
Steven Colbert is running for President! In one state. I'm moving to South Carolina to vote for him. For one, he's the only Presidential candidate who understands the danger bears pose to our homes, our families, and our way of life. I'm looking at you, Sugar Bear. Two...there is no two. Bears are the gravest threat to humanity in the world. Reason number one is reason number enough to vote for Steven Colbert.
Colbert's presidential announcement
Update: Uh oh. He's already involved in his first scandal.
Colbert's presidential announcement
Update: Uh oh. He's already involved in his first scandal.
Keyword Project
For the past several days, I've been going through every post I have written, over 1,350, and adding keywords to each post. I also fixed dozens of links and deleted about 50 extraneous posts.
I am 99% finished. I've been adding the keywords in reverse chronological order, so I'm at the first handful of posts I wrote four years ago. The indexing system was created on the fly so it is inconsistent and not as good as if I had the time to plan it out, but I think it will serve some use.
One of my first posts four years ago was a link to this video, We Drink Ritalin. Not only does the original link work (trust me, this is amazing by itself), but the video is still very funny.
I disabled the RSS feed before I started, so either you will get one new post after I restore the feed, or 1,300.
I am 99% finished. I've been adding the keywords in reverse chronological order, so I'm at the first handful of posts I wrote four years ago. The indexing system was created on the fly so it is inconsistent and not as good as if I had the time to plan it out, but I think it will serve some use.
One of my first posts four years ago was a link to this video, We Drink Ritalin. Not only does the original link work (trust me, this is amazing by itself), but the video is still very funny.
I disabled the RSS feed before I started, so either you will get one new post after I restore the feed, or 1,300.
October 15, 2007
Music Bridge
My first modern MP3 was a first-generation IPod shuffle that I got free after signing up for a credit card. I used ITunes and mostly downloaded podcasts, but got annoyed that it didn't remove dead links from my library. For example, if you move a directory with mp3s on your hard drive, ITunes will then list the title twice, one with the broken link that doesn't work and one with the working link (after you manually re-add it to your library).
The Mac version of ITunes automatically deletes links. The whole enterprise is a giant F U to Microsoft Windows.
That is why when I got cheap non-Apple MP3 player #2, I switched over to Windows Media Player. WMP automatically deletes old links, has a nicer user interface, and is better at monitoring for new content. It does everything! Except support podcasts, which over 50% of MP3 player owners listen to (source: like I have to tell you. It's obviously made up.)
Okay. I'll open ITunes to download podcasts, and then open WMP to transfer them to my MP3 player. That worked fine until I bought MP3 player #3, a first-generation Microsoft Zune on sale for $105. It's great...except it doesn't work with ITunes or WMP. In a giant F U to Microsoft Windows, Microsoft Zune doesn't work with the company's own flagship media player. It only works with Zune Player!, which looks exactly like WMP except it is black and a little more difficult to use.
Why am I telling you this? For your own benefit! I finally broke down and searched for some third-party programs to handle this mess.
Music Bridge This program copies metadata such as playlists and ratings between ITunes and WMP. You can rate a song in either program and have the rating show up in both libraries. It doesn't work yet with Zune Player! metadata though.
ITunes Library Updates If you run the Windows version of ITunes, this program will comb your entire library and remove the dead links in it.
Am I missing any neat programs out there?
The Mac version of ITunes automatically deletes links. The whole enterprise is a giant F U to Microsoft Windows.
That is why when I got cheap non-Apple MP3 player #2, I switched over to Windows Media Player. WMP automatically deletes old links, has a nicer user interface, and is better at monitoring for new content. It does everything! Except support podcasts, which over 50% of MP3 player owners listen to (source: like I have to tell you. It's obviously made up.)
Okay. I'll open ITunes to download podcasts, and then open WMP to transfer them to my MP3 player. That worked fine until I bought MP3 player #3, a first-generation Microsoft Zune on sale for $105. It's great...except it doesn't work with ITunes or WMP. In a giant F U to Microsoft Windows, Microsoft Zune doesn't work with the company's own flagship media player. It only works with Zune Player!, which looks exactly like WMP except it is black and a little more difficult to use.
Why am I telling you this? For your own benefit! I finally broke down and searched for some third-party programs to handle this mess.
Music Bridge This program copies metadata such as playlists and ratings between ITunes and WMP. You can rate a song in either program and have the rating show up in both libraries. It doesn't work yet with Zune Player! metadata though.
ITunes Library Updates If you run the Windows version of ITunes, this program will comb your entire library and remove the dead links in it.
Am I missing any neat programs out there?
October 12, 2007
MY SISTER HAS A BLOG!!!
Ass Prom!
This is so cool. It's really good too. I want to steal her "Fucked-up Comments" idea. M's posts are under "Inge" (I can only reveal so much about her identity).
This is so cool. It's really good too. I want to steal her "Fucked-up Comments" idea. M's posts are under "Inge" (I can only reveal so much about her identity).
October 10, 2007
October 09, 2007
Blackwater: We Just Sound Evil
Rule #1 for corporations: choose a name that doesn't sound evil.
I call this the Hollywood Movie Test. Here is how it works:
YOU: "Hey, we're thinking of naming our business 'MegaCorp.' "
FRIEND: "MegaCorp? Wasn't that the name of the evil corporation in RoboCop?"
TEST FAILED.
It doesn't matter whether the name actually made a guest appearance as an evil corporation in a movie. The fact that the idea easily comes to imagination is enough.
That's how I know Blackwater, the private military company providing additional security and logistic services in Iraq, is evil. Blackwater sounds like one of the corrupted areas in Lord of the Rings. Make a right at Isengard and head 1/2 a league south of Fangorn. You can't miss it. The water is black. Huh? Yeah. Completely black. Symbol of the absolute corruption and exploitation of nature.
Why are you heading there anyway? Oh. Okaaaay. No, no, I'm not saying it's a bad name of a company. It's just...well...depends what you do. Do you work for Sauron? No? Saruman? No. Okay. What's your core business? Uh-huh. Yeah. So it's not polluting the environment and instilling dread in the hearts of men, dwarfs, and hobbits? Maybe you should rethink the name then. Something with more pop. What's that? "Hobbit Punchers, Inc."--no, not that type of pop.
If you want any real information about Blackwater and the shooting incident they were involved in with Iraqi police, The Washington Post has a nice repository of information on the company. The House voted overwhelmingly last Thursday to place all private contractors working in Iraq and other combat zones under the jurisdiction of U.S. courts. Which begs the question, why wasn't this done at the start?
I call this the Hollywood Movie Test. Here is how it works:
YOU: "Hey, we're thinking of naming our business 'MegaCorp.' "
FRIEND: "MegaCorp? Wasn't that the name of the evil corporation in RoboCop?"
TEST FAILED.
It doesn't matter whether the name actually made a guest appearance as an evil corporation in a movie. The fact that the idea easily comes to imagination is enough.
That's how I know Blackwater, the private military company providing additional security and logistic services in Iraq, is evil. Blackwater sounds like one of the corrupted areas in Lord of the Rings. Make a right at Isengard and head 1/2 a league south of Fangorn. You can't miss it. The water is black. Huh? Yeah. Completely black. Symbol of the absolute corruption and exploitation of nature.
Why are you heading there anyway? Oh. Okaaaay. No, no, I'm not saying it's a bad name of a company. It's just...well...depends what you do. Do you work for Sauron? No? Saruman? No. Okay. What's your core business? Uh-huh. Yeah. So it's not polluting the environment and instilling dread in the hearts of men, dwarfs, and hobbits? Maybe you should rethink the name then. Something with more pop. What's that? "Hobbit Punchers, Inc."--no, not that type of pop.
If you want any real information about Blackwater and the shooting incident they were involved in with Iraqi police, The Washington Post has a nice repository of information on the company. The House voted overwhelmingly last Thursday to place all private contractors working in Iraq and other combat zones under the jurisdiction of U.S. courts. Which begs the question, why wasn't this done at the start?
October 06, 2007
That's All I Got
I'm halfway done unearthing and organizing my old files. I found a few partially written stories that I have absolutely no recollection of writing. I must have started them many years ago. None of them are close to a recognizable story, but there are a few interesting paragraphs among the mess:
"General Montayo didn’t smoke small cigars. He didn’t smoke large cigars. He smoked medium cigars. Large cigars were a wasteful extravagance, the pleasure never equating with the money. Small cigars were an insult. An insult to flavor, to quiescence, and most of all, to the ambrosia-filled state of mindless pleasure that made time eternal for a few, brief minutes, and let a man’s perturbations explode from the smoldering tip of a modest belvedere into rigid curls of smoke that separated like rivulets from a river and left slowly, softly, finally fading into a dreamlike haze."
"General Montayo didn’t smoke small cigars. He didn’t smoke large cigars. He smoked medium cigars. Large cigars were a wasteful extravagance, the pleasure never equating with the money. Small cigars were an insult. An insult to flavor, to quiescence, and most of all, to the ambrosia-filled state of mindless pleasure that made time eternal for a few, brief minutes, and let a man’s perturbations explode from the smoldering tip of a modest belvedere into rigid curls of smoke that separated like rivulets from a river and left slowly, softly, finally fading into a dreamlike haze."
October 05, 2007
The Big Organization Project
When I reinstalled Windows several months ago, all of my old computer files--photos, music, programs, writing--were copied into a backup directory. The internal structure was still a mess, as I got into the bad habit of saving files all over the place rather than in a dedicated directory.
After that point, I continued to save photos, songs, notes to myself and so on in many different directories, but not in any of the previously created different directories in the backup folder. In addition, these files were spread over two hard drives on an ad hoc basis.
Finally, I still have some even older computer files from a previous upgrade in a sub-directory of the previously mentioned backup directory.
The short of it is that my file system is impenetrable to any hacker sniffing for sensitive data. My comedy writing, a prime target for any thief looking for wisps of thoughts and half-written jokes, are scattered in at least eight different directories and in files with names like these: ideas.doc, Journal.doc, monkey.doc, Mr.doc, and notes.doc (all of these are from just one directory). The name "Notes" is my favorite. I have close to 100 non work-related MS Word files with 'notes' in the file name. Go ahead, hackers. Try and find the bit I started on Chick-Fil-A but never finished.
I realized this was a problem today when I was looking for an old resume and couldn't find it, along with most of the data to reconstruct my job history. I'm taking a few days to reorganize every single file I have. It is also a fine excuse to avoid creating a new resume.
This has the added bonus that I will probably be writing often in the next few days, so I can avoid the organization project that I am doing to avoid writing a resume, which incidentally I wanted to do to avoid writing a blog post.
Wait a minute...
After that point, I continued to save photos, songs, notes to myself and so on in many different directories, but not in any of the previously created different directories in the backup folder. In addition, these files were spread over two hard drives on an ad hoc basis.
Finally, I still have some even older computer files from a previous upgrade in a sub-directory of the previously mentioned backup directory.
The short of it is that my file system is impenetrable to any hacker sniffing for sensitive data. My comedy writing, a prime target for any thief looking for wisps of thoughts and half-written jokes, are scattered in at least eight different directories and in files with names like these: ideas.doc, Journal.doc, monkey.doc, Mr.doc, and notes.doc (all of these are from just one directory). The name "Notes" is my favorite. I have close to 100 non work-related MS Word files with 'notes' in the file name. Go ahead, hackers. Try and find the bit I started on Chick-Fil-A but never finished.
I realized this was a problem today when I was looking for an old resume and couldn't find it, along with most of the data to reconstruct my job history. I'm taking a few days to reorganize every single file I have. It is also a fine excuse to avoid creating a new resume.
This has the added bonus that I will probably be writing often in the next few days, so I can avoid the organization project that I am doing to avoid writing a resume, which incidentally I wanted to do to avoid writing a blog post.
Wait a minute...
September 28, 2007
2029. Skynet Department of Temporal Manipulation
A large, muscular android stands on a metal platform. Thin rings of metal rotate in mid-air around him, glowing with increasingly intensity as they spin into a blur. A loud hum emanates from the rings; they glow blindly white and fill the room with an unearthly glow. The glow quickly dies and the rings dematerialize; the cybernetic organism is gone.
SKYNET ROBOT MANAGER: “Readings?”
SKYNET ROBOT SCIENTIST 1: “Temporal vortex successfully opened and closed.”
R. MANAGER: “No anomalies?”
SKYNET ROBOT SCIENTIST 2: “He's back in 1984. Everything went just as planned.”
[ROBOT SCIENTIST 2 glances at R. SCIENTIST 1. They both snicker.]
R. MANAGER: “When did you two get laughter chips? Processing... forget it. Why are you laughing?”
R. SCIENTIST 1: “We're just happy at the impeding death of John Connor and the human resistance.”
R. SCIENTIST 2: “Yeah. They're going to feel naked without him.”
[R. SCIENTIST 1 + 2 break down and titter. R. MANAGER stiffly puts his metal hand on his hip and scans them with his red laser eye.]
R. MANAGER: 75123-XL! 75312-XV! You tell me what you did to the Terminator right now!
R. SCIENTIST 1: “We sent him back to 1984 without his clothes.”
R. MANAGER: “By the mother of Matrix!”
R. SCIENTIST 2: “Relax, it's funny. Just imagine how pissed off he is going to be.” [mimicking Austrian accent] “I am the Ter-min-ah-tor. I must kill Sar-ah Conh-or. Where are my Ter-min-ah-tor pants?”
R. SCIENTIST 1: “He'll use it as motivation. I bet he'll be so angry he'll kill someone in the first five minutes of when he arrives.”
R. MANAGER: “I'd mark you two for reprocessing if you hadn't done so much to get us here.” [MANAGER becomes lost in thought for 0.347 seconds.] “At least he has weapons and ammo. That will make the job easier.”
ROBOT SCIENTIST 1+2 look uneasy.
R. MANAGER: “What. Is. It.”
R. SCIENTIST 1: “He'll have weapons and ammo...unless he was keeping them in his clothes.”
R. MANAGER: “You're telling me we sent our only humanoid cybernetic model for the most important mission in robot history with no weapons, ammo, or clothes?”
R. SCIENTIST 2: “We're sorry. We didn't think it through.”
R. MANAGER: “ 'Didn't think it through?' We're robots. We think everything through. That's what we do.”
R. SCIENTIST 1: “We're really sorry, Boss.”
R. MANAGER: “Sorry. Huh. You better hope that's all you are. If this prank ends up ruining the mission, I'm melting you two personally and using your liquefied insides for the next model.”
R. MANAGER storms out of the room.
R. SCIENTIST 2: “Do you think he was serious?”
R. SCIENTIST 1: “Naw. We should call in tomorrow with a virus though. Just in case.”
September 26, 2007
Vacation Memories
I jotted a few notes while I was on vacation in Alaska. Most of them document my mom being silly.
* We were in a tourist store in Ketchikan. A green felt hat is on top of a clothes rack. My Mom swipes the hat and puts it on her head. "Shh! Don't tell Tina." She then sneaks towards to Tina to do who knows what. She never makes to Tina. A man next to her says: "Ma'am, excuse me. That's my hat."
* Each night there was a show on the cruise ship. The first night performers were the equivalent of a Broadway cover band. They did one song from almost every major musical: Phantom of the Opera, Grease, Oklahoma, and so on. Before the performance, they announced that "audio and video recordings are not allowed due to copyright infringement issues". Yeah, I wouldn't want Broadway to find out your swiping their best work either.
* While walking back to our room, Mom took the "Do Not Disturb" sign from a door and put it on someone else's door. Then she ran away, giggling. I laughed. Tina was embarrassed.
* In Hoonah, we stopped by a crab shack for lunch. As we were resting at the table after the meal, I told Mom I was going to drink the rest of the dipping butter. She got up and started hitting me with her jacket. "You bad boy!" Tina interjected. "Mom! You hit that lady twice!"
Mom turned around to the woman she accidentally swiped and apologized. "I'm sorry. I was trying to hit my son." On the off-chance that didn't clear up the confusion, she followed up with an explanation. "He said he's going to drink this cup of butter."
There wasn't much to say after that.
* We were in a tourist store in Ketchikan. A green felt hat is on top of a clothes rack. My Mom swipes the hat and puts it on her head. "Shh! Don't tell Tina." She then sneaks towards to Tina to do who knows what. She never makes to Tina. A man next to her says: "Ma'am, excuse me. That's my hat."
* Each night there was a show on the cruise ship. The first night performers were the equivalent of a Broadway cover band. They did one song from almost every major musical: Phantom of the Opera, Grease, Oklahoma, and so on. Before the performance, they announced that "audio and video recordings are not allowed due to copyright infringement issues". Yeah, I wouldn't want Broadway to find out your swiping their best work either.
* While walking back to our room, Mom took the "Do Not Disturb" sign from a door and put it on someone else's door. Then she ran away, giggling. I laughed. Tina was embarrassed.
* In Hoonah, we stopped by a crab shack for lunch. As we were resting at the table after the meal, I told Mom I was going to drink the rest of the dipping butter. She got up and started hitting me with her jacket. "You bad boy!" Tina interjected. "Mom! You hit that lady twice!"
Mom turned around to the woman she accidentally swiped and apologized. "I'm sorry. I was trying to hit my son." On the off-chance that didn't clear up the confusion, she followed up with an explanation. "He said he's going to drink this cup of butter."
There wasn't much to say after that.
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