A Parable

You have probably heard the apocryphal story of four teenagers that get back home hours after their curfews. They agree to tell their parents the same alibi: they got a flat tire. The first person to get dropped off at his home is Willie. Willie is 16, has a sinewy body inherited from his rail-thin dad and thick, chubby cheeks from his Metro rail-thin Mom. The back-up quarterback for the football team, an ape-like beast with a mirthless laugh that can best be described as a drunk impersonating Elmer Fudd on karaoke night, enjoys calling Willie "Blowfish Head" when Willie passes him in the halls. The quarterback, Slate, read a book on blowfishes last year. He is in the 11th grade.

But all of this is irrelevant. When his friends arrived at Willie's house, Willie's parents were there to meet them. "Where were you kids?" cried Willie's mother, who was in her bathrobe and punctuated each word with the wave of a rolling pin. Willie found it unusual that his Mom was waving a rolling pin at them, because neither of his parents can cook and they don't own a rolling pin, but he had to admit it was quite effective. His father stood with his arms crossed and did nothing but stare.

"We had a flat tire!" blurted James. Willie clenched his toes and wiped the back of his neck. He hoped that his parents didn't know James spits when he lies. "Sorry, Mom," said Willie, "we changed it as fast as we good."

His father spoke. "Are you guys telling the truth?"
"Of courpthh weppth are." said James. Willie and his friends nodded.
"Well, there is one question I would like to ask each of you. In private, if you don't mind."

His father lead each of the teens out of earshot for a few moments. When he finished, he said to Willie, "You're grounded. And we're telling each of your parents you lied and were out late."

How did Willie's father know that the teenagers were lying? Encyclopedia Brown makes you turn the book upside down for the answer, but I won't. Willie's father asked each of the kids a simple question: "What the fuck is up with this bullshit, man?"

Well, that is the question his father wanted to ask. But the one he did ask was this: which tire was flat?

I tell this story because some may find it relevant today.