Today's Shopping List

* Two bags of Peanut M&Ms
* Two bags of Combos (one Pizzeria, one Cheddar Cheese)
* Two quarts of Power Ade (Red and yellow. The colors seem to have no connection to the flavor.)
* Box of Corn Pops
* Nutra-Grain bar (got to eat healthy)

I didn't bring a basket inside CVS, so I was carrying it all in my arms. I had a huge grin on my face. The best part was when this little kid, who could barely reach the handle bar of the cart he was pushing, saw me walk past him. He looked at my bounty in awe. Whoever said childhood is the happiess days of one's life never ate a lb. of Peanut M&Ms.

Where Are The Posts?

Where ARE the posts?

Good question. I don't know. I've been looking in every nook of my brain, but every time I find a chocolate-chip cookie and get distracted.

Honestly, don't expect anything substantial for the next few days, although I expect to have some time over the weekend to come up with at least a few entries.

Kind of a Post

Daily post...hmmm. Let’s see. Um, how about that local sports team? They’re really looking sporty this season.

I’m at a creative road bump at the moment. A more “kangarooy” writer would be able to hop right over the bump and throw her Joey at incoming traffic (to make an artistic statement about the horrible NBC show, Joey!”) But I am not a kangaroo. At the moment. I’m not tying myself down with genetic engineering progressing at the rate it is.

If I could be any animal for a week, it would be a monkey. There are a lot of people I want to throw poop at. Give me a pair of roller skates, a box of bran, and a pass to the President’s next public appearance, and we’re going to have some fun.

Second on the animal list: a bird. I’m not sure why. Maybe it’s because—oh, wait. I got it. Pooping on people.

Man, I need some culture.

Third on the list: Grizzly bear. Do they really like honey? If so, how do they get their paws in the tiny jars? I will discover their secrets. And eat a filmmaker or two.

Fourth and last: Triceratops. With omni-directional spotlights on my horns. Wouldn’t it be great if an extinct creature returned to life, and it was already prepared to be mass marketed? Yes, it would! Tricera Tops ice-ceram! Pop the top and gobble down the three-horned flavor.

Post Schedule

In a way, it's odd to declare how many posts I'm going to write in the next day. Isn't the point of being an unpaid writer to write whatever, and whenever one wants? But it's the only way nowadays that motivates me to write, so...

I will be writing on days this week whose names are Greek or Norse in origin. I will NOT write a post on any day with a connection to a Roman god, and I NEVER WILL. Sorry Saturn, but Pancake City is taking the weekend off. Also, because I know nothing about Greek, Norse, or Roman mythology, except that Saturn fact I just looked up on Google, I will write a post every day from Tuesday to Friday, which may coincidentally fit the criteria mentioned above. if ti does, it is because I am a genius and I planned it that way.

Poker

Well, I managed to go for months without my first post about poker, but I need to put this on my web page to qualify for a free, online tournament:

I have registered to play in the PokerStars World Blogger Championship of Online Poker!

This Online Poker Tournament is a No Limit Texas Holdem event exclusive to Bloggers.

Registration code: 6145316

This will probably be my first and last post about online poker. I've read other poker blogs. They're horrendously boring, and I love the game. Talking about poker to people who don't play is the equivalent of showing them your 500+ photos from your trip to Bangladesh. It's very interesting. For you.

The random rundown:

* I've been playing online for several months.
* I am not rich from playing.
* I am not poor from playing.
* Yes, I probably spend too much time playing.
* I know all the poker lingo, and I find it increasingly difficult not to use it in everyday conversation, especially “gg” and calling people donkeys.
* My favorite poker games are Follow the Fries, Big Slick, Who’s the Daddy?, and Red Ball #5.
* That was a poker joke! I made all those names up!
* This is why I don’t write about poker on the blog.
* When I started playing, I promised myself that if I ever lost my initial deposit, I would quit.
* That’s still true.
* Poker is closer to chess than roulette.
* Seriously. It requires math, psychology, deductive reasoning, emotional awareness, emotional control, and an ability to learn. It’s why I get annoyed when people consider it “gambling”.
* I’m not sure how much longer I will play. There are better ways to make money, but they are not as much fun.
* I still smile when I think of JJProdigy’s excuse when he got caught having multiple accounts: “It’s not my account. It’s my grandmother’s account.”
* Again, this is why I don’t write about poker on the blog.

Devil Day

[Scene: Satan is at his office desk, reviewing the quarterly torture reports.]

SATAN: [mumbling] “Whippings, down 2%. Boiling, down 7%. Sheesh, rack 352 is still busted?” [knock on door]. “Come in.”
EDWARD: “Sir, if I may have a moment of your time?”
SATAN: “Hurry up.”
EDWARD: “Well, I just wanted to say...HAPPY DEVIL DAY!!!”

Edward, Spike, Rock Man, Gary the Imp (the Gimp), Cerberus, and the Exploding Pixies rush in with what looks like a Fudgie the Whale ice-cream cake, red and black confetti, and party streamers.

EDWARD: “One, two three...” [all] “Hap-py Dev-il Day To Youuu, Hap-py Dev-il Day TO Youuu...”
SATAN: “What the hell is going on here!”

The party goers fall silent.

EDWARD: “My lord, it’s 6\6\06. Devil Day.”
GIMP: “You’re the devil. You’re my boss.”
SATAN: “Excuse me?”
GIMP: “Can we eat ice-cream now?”
EDWARD: “666. The devil’s number.”
PIXIES: [squeaking] “666! 666! 666!”
GIMP: “Hee hee. I like that song. 666! 666! 666!”
SATAN: “Somebody zip his mask up.”
EDWARD: “Sir, no!”
ROCK MAN: “Rock Man ‘Zip It Up’ Old School.”

Rock Man raises his fist and lowers it on Gary the Imp’s skull, knocking him unconscious.

EDWARD: “ ‘Zip It Up’ is the latest Rock Man slang for “crush stuff” ."
SATAN: “You want to send me an email, next time? Spike, Cerberus, take him out. Actually, everyone out. Except you, Edward.”

Everyone except Edward leaves.

EDWARD: “My lord, I was only trying to lighten up the atmosphere. Morale has been low ever since you removed Sulfur Friday’s, you know.”
SATAN: “666? The devil’s number?”
EDWARD: “Well, I can explain.”
SATAN: “What happened to five? I specifically told you over two millennium ago to make five my number.”
EDWARD: “Five didn’t test well.”
SATAN: “ ‘Didn’t test well?’ I’m the Lord of Freakin’ Darkness. It shouldn’t matter.”
EDWARD: “But humans use five all the time. High five. Nine to five. Hawaii Five-o. After a few dozen years, it lost its panache.”
SATAN: “ ‘Panache’? Edward, Rule #17.”
EDWARD: “Sorry, sir. No French in Hell.”
SATAN: “So now I’m stuck with 666?”
EDWARD: “I’m sorry.”
SATAN: “Well, I guess it could be worse. So when’s the next Devil Day?”
EDWARD: “Let’s see...” [Edward flips through his day planner] That’ll be...1000 years from now.”
SATAN: “Great. He gets one day every year, and I get one day every millennium. And they wonder why I’m bitter. [sighs] Bring over, Fudgie.”
EDWARD: “About Fudgie. I should warn you that—“
SATAN: “This isn’t Fudgie the Whale! This is Jonah and the Whale.”
EDWARD: “They were out of Fudgie. But this looks just like him, and the clerk told me that the carrot cake is delicious.”
SATAN: “Carrots? If I wanted to eat carrots, I’d go to heaven. Just leave. Give it to the Gimp when he wakes up. And tell him to unzip his mouth before he eats.”

Back to the Future

This is a placeholder for an upcoming post. I know it's a little silly, but it will help motivate me to write it when I get home today.

Bush Revives Gay Marriage Ban

It's nice to know that when everything is going wrong, you can still pick yourself up by bashing a gay person. We're the chocolate of bigots.

An Uncomfortable Conversation

While descending from the peak of Mount Everest, a mountain climber collapsed and his friends, thinking he was dead, left him behind.

Later, another climber check on him, found that he was still alive, and helped him make it to camp.

CLIMBER1: "Cheers, everyone! We did it!"
CLIMBER2: "To us!" [they clink champagne glasses and drink]
CLIMBER1: "Hey, you know who that looks like?"
CLIMBER2: "Where?"
CLIMBER1: "I swear that looks like...oh my God."
LINCOLN HALL: "Hello, guys."

[CLIMBER1 and CLIMBER2 smile uncomfortably]

CLIMBER1: "Lincoln! You're alive!"
CLIMBER2: "We're so happy to see you. We thought you were dead."
HALL: "I know. I saw your boots kick snow in my face as you left me behind."
CLIMBER1: "Yeah, about that. Look, we really thought you were dead."
CLIMBER2: "Super dead. We would have carried you back if you were just dead."
CLIMBER1: "You weren't moving at all. Or breathing."
CLIMBER2: "You looked lifeless."
HALL: "I was clinging to your leg for dear life, Charles. Before you shook me off."
CLIMBER2: "Oh, that was you?"
HALL: "Who did you think it was?"
CLIMBER2: "...Polar bear."
HALL: "YOU THOUGHT THERE WAS A POLAR BEAR CLINGING TO YOUR LEG ON THE TOP OF MOUNT EVEREST!"
CLIMBER2: [sheepish] "Or a penguin."
HALL: "I'm going to kill you guys."

How Dogs Find Disgusting Things To Eat

WORK DOG: “Hello. This is Doginos.”
HUNGRY DOG: “Hi. I’d like to order a crumpled-up tissue.”
WORK DOG: “Any toppings?”
HUNGRY DOG: “Yeah. Ants, chicken bones, and...hmm, how bout extra gum?”
WORK DOG: “That it?”
HUNGRY DOG: “That’s it.”
WORK DOG: “Okay. Your total is $5.97, and your order will be ready in ruffly 15 minutes. How would you like to pay for it?”
HUNGRY DOG: “My master’s credit card, of course.”
WORK DOG: “What’s the number?”
HUNGRY DOG: “Um....I can’t read. Can I just chew it for a few minutes?”
WORK DOG: “That’ll work. You can pick up your tissue by the tipped-over trashcan on the corner of Elm and Piedmont.”
HUNGRY DOG: “Excellent. I’ll drag my owner over there as soon as possible. Thanks.”

New Posts

I'll be writing a new post every day for the next five days, starting today.

Michele, my sister, went to see The Da Vinci Code last weekend. When the credits began rolling, a woman in front of her yelled, "That was good! The critics were wrong!"

Michele then yelled, "I'm Roger Ebert's wife! Fuck you!"

Okay, Michele didn't really say that. But why? I know you were thinking it. It's not like people were going to think, "That first lady, the one shouting to one in particular, she had a good point. But I don't know what Roger Ebert's wife was thinking about.

I don't understand the appeal of watching The Da Vinci Code for those who read the book. I look forward to movie adaptations of books that create a rich, elaborate world, particularly those of fantasy and science fiction. The Da Vinci Code's idea of cleverness is to use italics on evey page. (Seriously. Do you have the book with you? Open it. Any part. Italics. That's how you know he's thinking.)

What is interesting about the book are the ideas behind it, not the world constructed to support the ideas. Am I wrong? If you read the book and are looking forward to seeing the movie, tell me why.

The Washington D.C. version of "You Know You're A Redneck When..."

You know your legal defense is is trouble when...

Your supporters defend you by using a video clip from the Colbert Report.

Names

Have you ever overheard a person's name that is so weird that you feel compelled to turn around and look at the person, as if to confirm the name belongs to a human and not, for example, a turtle, or a dog?

"Hey, Pixel, wait up!" (Pixel?)

Well, that's how I felt yesterday when I overheard a dog owner talk to his dog, Bob.

Doggie Bag

I love dogs, but even I have standards. (thanks for the link, Addi)

Barbaro Can Stand!

(from the Washington Post, in regards to an accident at the Kentucky Derby)

"The news came as a huge relief to those who had stood vigil outside the hospital and to Barbaro's fan base, which had grown exponentially in number since the jockey's dominant victory at the Kentucky Derby on May 6."

Oops. I made a typo. The vigil wasn't held for a jockey. Barbaro is the horse.

I can understand the horse's owner and those who take care of him being deeply concerned. But that's not the image I get from "vigil." I picture a few dozen people holding candles and swaying back and forth to "Kum-ba-ya". Which, unless they are degenreate gamblers who took the over for the horse surviving, seems like an overreaction.

Starship Troopers

One of my best friends is moving to Kansas in several weeks. I knew he was moving, but I didn't know until last night that he would be traveling a lot in the meantime and might not see each other again until moving day, which he graciously offered me to spend some quality time with him by helping him move (thanks, bud).

I was feeling depressed when I got home and didn't want to go to bed sad. I cycled through the cable channels a few times before seeing that Starship Troopers was on, and decided to watch it for a while.

(See what you drove me to, Sean?)

Some critics liked the movie, but many of them lambasted Starship Troopers as a horrible film. I can see where the critics are coming from. The acting is wooden, the characters one-dimensional, the plot uninventive, and the special events aren't even that well done.

I found though that the movie is more odd than bad. The movie takes place in the future, where people are blissfully unaware that they live in an authoritarian society. A group of presumably high-school students are graduating and deciding which branch of the military to join (although the positions are described using the language of civic responsibility, like calling a soldier a "citizen").

There is a race of alien bugs in a galaxy that the government says has the power to go from planet to planet and hurl asteroids at Earth. When an asteroid hits Buenos Aeries, the planet, whipped into a fury with the help of the media, mobilizes for war against the bugs.

What's odd is that all of the obvious flaws in the movie--the stereotypical characters, hackneyed dialogue and relationships, unsophisticated plot--are deliberate. Even the makeup on the actors seems deliberately over-applied.

But the movie almost never winks at the viewer to say "we're poking fun at something else" or gives much of a hint as to the purpose of using this style. The only easily noticeable nudge to the audience is the periodic news telecasts, done in the style of 1950s American or Soviet propaganda commercials.

I could only watch half of the movie, so I may have missed the point, but I came away thinking that the movie was a propaganda movie about propaganda. It used all the simple tricks and trades employed by propaganda makers of years ago to make fun of the type of society that could create such propaganda.

It's akin to someone parodying poor writing by copying the bad writing instead of writing poorly in a clever way.

I still don't think it is a good movie, because there has to be some distance between what you create and what you are parodying, or you're no longer parodying the subject. You're emulating it. But there is a sort of sophistication behind the movie that makes it more interesting than it appears at first glance.

I can't recommend that people watch it because I gave up on the movie midday through. It's difficult to watch, and I didn't have the sense that the director was moving towards a larger point that would justify the style he chose in making the movie. If I'm wrong, let me know and I'll rent it and finish watching.

France Photos

I broke down and bought a Flickr Pro account a few days ago, so I'll be putting up more photos. Family and anyone else who's interested: here are the photos of when Tina and I went to France. I might add some comments to them in a few days, but the France photos don't particularly lend themselves to comedy.

Update: Actually, I will add comments in a day or two. I'll view it as a comedy challenge: making the French funny. All I need now is some fish, a gun, and a barrel.

Pancake City Contest

The 2006 J-Wal Mix CD Extravaganza (Pt. 1) has just been released, and you can win a free copy.

In conjuction with Pancake City's music label, the Sounds of Syrup, we are giving away one (1) free, autographed copy of the latest release from J-Wal to anyone living in the continental United States. Except Idaho. Sorry, I just don't trust you guys.

The first person who leaves a comment in this post will win the CD. Good luck. (Offer not valid for anyone who has received a pre-release copy).

Full Metal Alchemist

Does anyone watch this show? It's a cartoon drama that airs weekly on The Cartoon Network at night. I watched a few epsidoes, and so far, I'm very impressed. The storytelling and writing is better than most of what is on TV, animated or otherwise. I'm thinking of subscribing to NetFlix just to watch the episodes.

You Know, I Do Work During the Day

Okay, part of the day. But if you think I'm going to wake up before 10:00 A.M. just to write a blog entry, you're crazier than my employer who expects me to be at work by 10:00 A.M. And my employer is the Federation Moon Patrol, president: Capt. Crazy Pants. EASTERN STANDARD TIME DOESN'T EXIST IN SPACE! AND STOP PUTTING YOUR MOON PANTS ON YOUR HEAD.

I got a postcard today for "The Largest and Most Exciting Stamp Show in the World." Raise the roof, United States Postal Service. On the postcard are pictures of two stamps: "Tallest Geyser" with a gushing geyser, and "Most Active Volcano". an exploding volcano. Okay, okay, we get it! Why don't you add an image of a train going through a tunnel while you're at it? Pervs.

Show highlights on the back:

* See the world's most valuable stamps and watch as 80 new postage stamps are issued! You could have had me at 20 new postage stamps. But thanks for the gravy.

* Meet Ranger Rick, Postman Pat. Mr. ZIP, and other SURPRISE guests. (Who? Who? Who? Let me guess: Lenny Letter and Alan Thicke.)

This is the first mail I've gotten from the postal service in months. Which is weird, because it's free for them. Well, free like how printing paper from the office supply closet is free. But free enough. If I could send free mail, I'd send a letter every day. I wouldn't even address the letter. I'd just send it to everyone. It'll get to the right person eventually. Everyone else can throw it away.

I'd send anonymous letters to complete strangers, just to confuse them.

"Thanks for the tea bag! As promised, here it is. -- Larry."

"Dogs love you. Except dogs named Ronaldo. Grrrr."

"WHY DID YOU OPEN ME!!! I was having the most wonderful dream."

Well, it's 4:30 p.m. Time for my first nap.