Undecided?

I love writing about politics and much as I love writing comedy. But I know most people don't visit my page for the third rate-political analysis. They come for the second-rate comedy. (And for those of you who thought that joke was predictable: see "second-rate comedy", "previous sentence")

So I'll get back to the jokes soon. But I have a request to make. Is there anyone registered to vote and undecided on who to vote for (or if to vote at all)? If so, are you open to hearing an argument about why one should vote for Kerry?

I can promise not to hound you, to be shrill, and to back up what I say with evidence. I'll even recommend that you vote for President Bush if your beliefs and values aligns closer with his and are also based in fact (see previous post).

If you're interested, please send me an email at monkey(dot)on(dot)keyboard (at) gmail. Thanks.

This started off has a six-line post

The TNR's Noam Scheiber is exactly right with his post on how John Kerry's new focus on Iraq will change media coverage on the war. Kerry's new line of attack against President Bush in the past week has been the best move his campaign has made so far.

I say this for a few reasons. Read Shneiber's post for the first one. The second reason is that there is a gulf between the assumptions of people who support the war in Iraq and those against it. In short, most people who support the war on Iraq hold the false assumptions that Iraq had ties to 9/11 and al Qaeda. Kerry is finally directly contradicting these assumptions. The details are in this awesome study PIPA did a few weeks ago (summary PDF), but here's what to me is the most important part:

Such beliefs are highly correlated with support for the decision to go to war with Iraq. Among those who believed that Iraq had WMD 81% thought going to war was the right decision, and among those who thought it had a major WMD program 49% believed it was the right decision. Among those who thought that Iraq only had some WMD-related activities only 21% thought war was the right decision, and for those who thought there was no such activity just 8% thought it was the right decision.

Likewise, among those who thought Iraq was directly involved in the 9/11 attacks, 73% thought going to war was the right decision, and among those who thought Iraq was giving al Qaeda substantial support 69% thought this was the right decision. But among those who thought there were only a few contacts between Iraq and al Qaeda, 21% thought war was the right decision; and among those who thought there was no relationship at all, only 16% saw war as the right decision.

(page 9)

As I hope you all know, the 9/11 Commission report stated that Iraq had no WMDs or a major WMD-program. It also concluded that there were no substantial ties between Iraq and al Qaeda.

Furthermore, while a shockingly high number of people still hold these incorrect beliefs, the number has declined a bit since their last survey in March, likely due in part at least to the 9/11 Commission report that came out in July. From PIPA:

The percentage saying that Iraq was giving substantial support to al Qaeda has dropped from 57% in March to 50% today. The percentage saying that Iraq had WMDs or a major WMD program has dropped from 60% to 54%.

None of this guarantees that if people realize their rationales for suporting the war are in error, they will reverse their support of the war, punish President Bush for fostering these views and vote for John Kerry. I mean, who can compete with the powerful logic of "Support our Troops!"? But if the Three Stooges of politics, logic, truth, and rationality, can stop running away from mummies long enough to poke the eyes out of even a few hundred thousand Americans, that alone could shift the election towards John Kerry.

And the Kerry campaign knows this. Check out these passages from a speech Kerry gave only days ago:

His two main rationales—weapons of mass destruction and the Al Qaeda/September 11 connection—have been proved false...by the President's own weapons inspectors...and by the 9/11 Commission. Just last week, Secretary of State Powell acknowledged the facts. Only Vice President Cheney still insists that the earth is flat.

(several paragraphs later) We know Iraq played no part in September 11 and had no operational ties to Al Qaeda.

(And, later) Yet today, President Bush tells us that he would do everything all over again, the same way. How can he possibly be serious? Is he really saying that if we knew there were no imminent threat, no weapons of mass destruction, no ties to Al Qaeda, the United States should have invaded Iraq? My answer is no—because a Commander-in-Chief's first responsibility is to make a wise and responsible decision to keep America safe.

What I love about Kerry's new focus is that not only is it hard-hitting and confrontational, it's backed by the truth. Isn't that strange, a biting political attack that's also true? Yes, his strategy is based on at least 50.1% of the American public having the ability to reason and make decisions based on that reasoning. And that's always a risky strategy. But in a democracy, the leaders are no better than the average intelligence of the people who elect them. We will get what we deserve.

The O'Stewart Factor

I'm stealing Wonkette's title. I can't think of a better one.

Jon Stewart appeared on The O'Reilly Factor recently. The interview is hilarious.

I'll Pass On This One

The pet sitting / dog walking company I work for has a web-accesible database with information on each client's pets, how to care for them, and so on. I found this in the file of a client I was considering pet sitting for:

Feed dogs separately. Annie in basement and Abe by the water. Dogs are friendly and playful. Cats may hide under the bed or chair upstairs. Cat carrier is in basement. If cat is deceased, put in towel and put in fridge.

GLORY & THANKS BE TO GOD!

"He Has Restrained Al Gore & His Minions"

I found this archive page on the 2000 election while looking for an election day countdown site. "Only five days left to pray!"

The rest of the site, focused on the current election, is even better. Perhaps you're interested in investigative reporting. In that case, I suggest you check out, "Will Demons Decide the American Election?" Or maybe you are wondering, "Sure, I know the anti-Christ coup is inspired by demons, but are they coordinating it too?" Only one way to find out! And that's to read "Biblical Commentary on Current Issues". Don't be lazy and pass clicking on this link. Sodomite anarchy isn't going to destroy itself!

Cicero for President?

The dates for the Presidential debates are set. The quote in the second paragraph in this WaPo article made me laugh:

Both sides have already begun portraying the opposing candidate as a tremendous debater, as part of the quadrennial ritual of trying to lower expectations for the nominees' performances. Kerry strategist Joe Lockhart told reporters during a conference call Friday that he would "challenge anyone to name a major debate that George Bush has been in where he hasn't been considered the winner."

Matthew Dowd, the Bush-Cheney campaign's chief strategist, said in an interview earlier this month that Kerry "is very formidable, and probably the best debater ever to run for president." "I'm not joking," Dowd added. "I think he's better than Cicero," the ancient Roman orator. "But I think it'll be a very good thing for the American public to see these two men stand side by side. You can't hide who you are."

My New Friends

I've stopped neurotically checking my server logs long ago, but periodically I'll log in to see if any new "citizens" have "moved" into Pancake City or just "stopped by" on the Pancake City Metro so they could "pee" on the "guard rails."

Occasionally, I'll find a link from a respected colleague in the blogosphere that makes the 10 min. of toil and trouble every day worth it. With that in mind, I'd like to give a big Hidey-Ho to my new buddies at:
http://1st-in-costumes.com/Costume-Resources/ fake-breasts-halloween-costume.html .

As any of my long-time readers can tell you, when you're searching for the perfect DD bat-imprint brassiere, there's only one place to go, and that's the mayor's closet of Pancake City.

Best. Political Ad. Ever.

Kerry should suspend campaigning and spend all his money funding media buys for this ad. Even President Bush would vote for him. (Ad on the left. Link from atrios.)

CBS National Guard Documents

You know you have a credibility problem when your News President looks like he has a fake mustache.

Good Morning!

I woke up at 6:00 a.m. to walk a dog. Even with four hours of sleep, I feel energetic. There is something invigorating about hearing the caws of crows echo across the land as the sun warms the underbellies of dark clouds and turns them into a bright orange. Life has given me so much energy now. I feel I can do anything in the world, anything that I--

Zzzz...

(Like you didn't see that coming. I'm taking a nap. I like my cloud underbellies bright white and pre-heated. See you at 1:00 p.m.)

I made an alfredo sauce yesterday and have an extra ¼ cup of heavy cream. Left-over heavy cream is as useful as a third testicle. If you search long enough, you can find a fast food place that will give you some sauce to dip it into, but it really isn't worth your time.

That analogy makes as much sense as a horse drinking water on a motorboat made out of chocolate. The engine is spitting milk, Junior is eating the mast, and no one can find where the horse pooped.

The problem with writing is that it takes effort to make sense. And time and effort don't mix.

But what does mix is this transition sentence, a.k.a. the spoon for the ceramic bowl that is this essay. I don't want to throw away the pampered milk, but my plan to put a packet of sea monkeys in it and donate the cream to a sperm bank didn't make it past their microscopes. Damn you, science! We could have had a new world order.

So I'm forced to do the next best thing: pour it in my roommate's soy milk. That'll teach that lactose-intolerant commie to mess with America. You want to support the terrorists by voting for John Kerry? Fine. America's going to blow a hole through your ass, and she's not going to close the door behind her.

I love mixing stuff.

Bonus info:

Originally, metaphor was a Greek word meaning "transfer". The Greek etymology is from meta, implying "a change" and pherein meaning "to bear, or carry". Thus, the word metaphor itself has a metaphorical meaning in English, "a transfer of meaning from one thing to another".

Amusingly, in modern Greek the word metaphor is used to refer to a cart or trolley; thus visitors to Greek airports will find themselves using metaphors to carry their luggage.

Dess Daglig Försök?

The Daily Show in Sweden? NPR is on the case.

For Those of You Who Doubt There Is a God

Maryland state law requires 10,000 signatures of registered state voters to put a candidate from a new political party on the presidential ballot. Nader's campaign submitted over 15,000 signatures, but only 9,463 of them were valid. Number of signatures short: 537.

Number of votes Gore lost Florida by?

537.

Gee-Mail

My first impression of Gmail, Google's email service currently in a beta test to select Internet cognoscenti like myself, is that it is the third Musketeer in paper, scissors, and rocks. It's fast, well-designed, and comes with a gigabyte of space.

You need an invite to get an account. I got mine by begging a stranger, but Pancake City is a place of dignity, so if you want an account just let me know in the comments. I have six invites, but since this site only has five readers that shouldn't be a problem.

Contest Update Update

Looks like I goofed. My Canadian cousin Erfan didn't win the 9/11 contest. Evan R. did. Evan is currently a grad student living in Brooklyn and is A FULL-BLODDED AMERICAN! U.S.A! U.S.A!

The lesson of this new result is obvious: Canada is populated by a bunch of pussies.

America rocks!

President Bush's Acceptance Speech Excerpts

First Kerry bashing, now Bush bashing. I transcribed parts of President Bush's acceptance speech over the weekend but haven't have time to post them until now.

Tonight we set a new goal: 7 million more affordable homes in the next 10 years, so more American families will be able to open the door and say, "Welcome to my home." Then, they will be able to open their dishwasher and say, "This is my dishwasher." And "This is my cabinet" and "This is my floor. I like to stand on my floor."


We must strengthen Social Security by allowing younger workers to save some of their taxes in a personal account, a nest egg you can call your own and government can never take away.

AL GORE: "Kind of like putting it in a lock box?"
BUSH: "Yes, like--no, no!"


Anyone who wants more details on my agenda can find them online. The web address is not very imaginative, but it's easy to remember: dickcheneyisashemale.com.



Because religious charities provide a safety net of mercy and compassion, our government must never discriminate against them. Unless these charities are trying to marry mercy and compassion, and mercy and compassion are both dudes.


Now, there are some problems with this claim. If you say the heart and soul of America is found in Hollywood, I'm afraid you are not the candidate of conservative values.
ARNOLD [sobbing]: "No-bahdy loves me."


In Afghanistan, terrorists have done everything they can to intimidate people, yet more than 10 million citizens have registered to vote in the October presidential election, a resounding endorsement for democracy. And there are only an estimated 9.8 million eligible voters. I hope our presidential election doesn't suffer from that kind of fraud [wink, wink].


[talking about the decision to go to war against Iraq]

And I faced the kind of decision that comes only to the Oval Office, a decision no president would ask for, but must be prepared to make: Do I forget the lessons of September 11th and take the word of a madman, or do I take action to defend our country?

(August 7, 2001...)
[ring, ring]
BUSH: "Hello?"
BIN LADEN: "Hello Bushie."
BUSH: "Who is this?"
BIN LADEN: "Osama bin Laden."
BUSH: ...
BIN LADEN: "I organized the bombing on the U.S.S. Cole."
BUSH: ...
BIN LADEN: "The World Trade Center bombing?"
BUSH: I know you! You're that guy Clinton told me about. You're a bad guy.
BIN LADEN: A bad guy? Would a bad guy call to let you know that he's not going to commit terrorist attacks ever again?
BUSH: You're not?
BIN LADEN: Nope. I'm hanging up the C4. Shaving the beard. Raiding the harem and heading to Bermuda.
BUSH: That's good. Cause I'm not going to have anything bad happen on my watch. I'm the President.
BIN LADEN: Well, now you have nothing to worry about. Especially not next month. [snicker]
BUSH: "Wait a minute. [Bush removes a pamphlet from a drawer with the title, "National Security Briefing, "Special Edition." He unfolds the pamphlet. Inside is an image of Rumplestilksten, =, and a picture of Osama bin Laden.] I knew it! You're trying to take my baby! And my baby is [Bush looks at opposite page of pamphlet. There is a picture of a baby, =, and a map of America] my gun. You can't have my gun. It's mine. That's why it's my gun.
BIN LADEN: Bushie, come one. You have to trust me. Take my word for it.
BUSH: I don't think so. Aren't you a madman?
BIN LADEN: Well, if you read The New York Times, yes.
BUSH: Laura said never take the word of a madman. Madman, bad man. That's why they rhyme."
BIN LADEN: You know what else rhymes with madman?
BUSH: What?
BIN LADEN: Ice-cream man.
BUSH: But I love ice-cream. You ever try that Buffalo Bill with the bubblegum nose? I like to bite his nose off and say, "Gotcha!"
BIN LADEN: And if you love ice-cream, that means you love me.
BUSH: Does it? [Bush looks at pamphlet, doesn't find anything helpful] Well, tell you what. Cross your fingers, hope to die?
BIN LADEN: Well, I'd prefer if my associates died. But sure, what the heck.
BUSH: Okay. I believe you. But don't even think of double-crossing me, or I'm going to blow up your entire country.
BIN LADEN: [worried] You're going to destroy Afghanistan?
BUSH: No, Iraq. I thought you live in Iraq.
BIN LADEN: No, I live in…yes. I live in Iraq.

9/11 Contest Winner

I finally counted the references to 9/11 in Bush's acceptance speech. He made six references, including one particularly good one where he connects Saddam Hussein to 9/11. The winner: my Canadian cousin Erfan, who guessed eight. That's right: Canadian. I'm absolutely shocked that a Canadian knows more about American politics than we do. Yup. Shocked.

The references are in the comments. Erfan, I'll email your present in a few days. (Canadians have email, right?)

...

On returning home after a visit with my sister, I found that the equivalent of a computer hurricane hit my household. Our DSL connection was wrecked and some computer application I installed wiped out my bookmarks, email settings, and other formerly stalwart programs.

Evidentially, the DSL line stopped working on Saturday, and when my roommate leapt into action (Monday) the service technician told him to reset the router. This is the equivalent of a doctor telling a patient with skin cancer to wash off the sunscreen so he can get a better look at the problem. A fine suggestion, assuming at that point the doctor doesn't give out the window and yell, "sucks!" or the patient realizes sunscreen is good and tries to re-apply it to himself.

In short, I have a lot to post, but it will take me a day to get everything back to normal.

Creative Ways To Protest

A friend of mine did this yesterday. The second half of the video is shot with a hidden camera.

Last Minute Contest

How many time will President Bush refer to Sept. 11th in his nomination acceptance speech tonight? Closest guess gets a prize. You can submit a guess up to tomorrow morning (as awesome as any prize from Pancake City is, I'm sure that the moral fiber of Pancake City readers is so strong that no one will cheat by searching the transcript the next day for "9/11", "September 11th" and "my bestest day ever").